


Words of Revolution

by infiniteworld8



Series: Words of Revolution ,  Alternate Ending (The Janus Directive) and  deleted scenes. [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Academy Era, Aftermath of Torture, Aftermath of Violence, Childhood Trauma, Confessions, Depression, Flashbacks, Food Issues, Gen, Guilt, Mass Death, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Secrets, Survivor Guilt, Tarsus IV, difficulty adjusting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-03
Updated: 2014-01-12
Packaged: 2017-12-31 09:09:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 39,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1029886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infiniteworld8/pseuds/infiniteworld8
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kirk's worst memory. A class assignment of ethics and morality dredges up memories from years ago, that he's done his best to forget. The horror of Tarsus IV threatens to overwhelm him as he struggles to keep his past a secret from his friends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was Ethical/Psychology. The class a hodgepodge mixture of ethics and the psychology and morality behind it. In the academy, it was one of the most controversial classes, and the one that often led to fights both verbal and physical.

Kirk was currently locked in a debate with the instructor, a grizzled once-ambassador, now teacher called Relik.

“There’s always another chance, another way. I don’t believe in no-win scenarios”

“Sometimes you can’t win Mr. Kirk and you have to make a hard choice for the greater good.”

“No you don’t. You just have to find another choice.”

“Do you wish to be argumentative?”

“No, I’m saying there’s another option. You have to find it”

Professor Relik pursed his lips and glared up at Kirk then said “Mr. Kirk consider this situation. What if you were on a life boat in the middle of the ocean and had to push two people overboard so six could live what would you do?”

“Wonder why I was in a life boat in the middle of the ocean and curse the idiot who overfilled it”

There was scattered laughter throughout the class. Professor Relik glared at the culprits. He turned back to Kirk and said “Take the question seriously.”

“Take it seriously, hmmm-okay” Kirk appeared to think “Find a better life boat I guess” Professor Relik was about to speak, but Kirk continued “But hold on that’s not an option right? So….I’d” He scratched his head, like he was thinking deeply. Snickers were heard. Kirk suddenly looked up and asked “We all have clothes on, right?”

Professor Relik said dangerously quiet “Of course you all do, though I fail to see what that has to do with this scenario”

Kirk answered promptly “It has a lot to do with the scenario. If we’re in the middle of the ocean there’s a lot of sun. I don’t want sunburn…plus if females are on the boat and they don’t have clothes things could get…interesting. I might be too distracted to think of the situation.”

There was more laughter.

“If you’re not taking this seriously. I’ll—“

“Wait, wait…I was just asking for background. Okay seriously. I would take the clothes and unravel some string... Find two tin cans.” McCoy, who was sitting next to Kirk, sighed. He recognized where Kirk’s line of thinking was going.

“What—” Professor Relik began

“Not finished, yet” Kirk said neatly cutting him off. “Find two tin cans and… a bird. Poke a hole in the bottom of each can and string the make-shift cord through. Then have the bird fly one can to the nearest land and voila instant phone. We can call for help.”

The whole class broke out laughing. Relik turned a bright shade of red and once the class had quieted several minutes later said “Mr Kirk at the end of classes today, you will meet me in Renfield’s office.”

Kirk wasn’t discouraged “I’ll be happy to, do you want me to bring some champagne or something?”

The class started laughing again.

Professor Relik waited until it was quiet then said “I suggest you shut up Mr. Kirk, the only reason you’re still in class right now is because I’m a bigger person then you are.”

Kirk didn’t say anything at first. When Relik turned away he muttered under his breath “It’s obvious you’re bigger” Professor Relik was more than a little overweight.

Relik was speaking again “Now back to what we were talking about: hard decisions. What people do when they have no clear cut answer? Can any of you think of some prominent examples from history?”

A girl near the front answered, but Kirk didn’t catch her comment.

Relik nodded and said “Correct, Mrs. Hillel, but another prime example is the one we will be using for the final paper.”

There was a collective groan at the mention of an assignment. Relic continued “You all will be writing a 65 page paper on hard decisions, specifically an analysis of"  He stopped talking and tapped the view screen in front of him a series of pictures flashed across the screen. Desolate landscapes, a pile of bodies, ransacked buildings and troops marching by in uniforms that were familiar were skimmed through...

Kirk stopped doodling on his data PADD and stared in horror.

 _No it couldn’t be._ He knew what Relik was about to say before he could speak, the pictures had said more than words ever could.

“Tarsus IV was a colony that in 2246 was struck by feminine. Kodos the executioner ordered the execution of roughly half the inhabitants of the colony when food was low so that the other half could live.  After the massacre there were only 9 survivors of those slated to die. The identities of the Tarsus 9 as they are called isn’t known, Starfleet wished to allow them to have as normal a life as possible.”

Relik paused and flashed through a few more pictures. Then he continued “The Tarsus IV massacre will be the focus of your assignment. A justification for Kodos decision and viewpoint against should be included. Also there should be a perspective of the Tarsus 9. Extrapolate how they might feel about the event?  What are the effects on them now? What was their perception during the massacre? “

Kirk was hyperventilating. His hands started to shake. He couldn’t take hearing the massacre he had witnessed talked about so casually. McCoy was looking at him oddly.

Relik walked back and forth in front of the grizzly images he was showing. “Kodos killed a lot of people and people think of him as a monster. But we all have to ask ourselves was he really so wrong? I personally think Kodos was trying to help and saw the option he took as the only way. Throughout history there have been many people who did the wrong thing for the right reasons. Perhaps Kodos believed he was helping? That is –“

“That’s a DAMN LIE!”Kirk shouted .He had stood up and was shaking. Everybody was staring at him, but he didn’t care.

“Excuse me, Mr. Kirk. If you have opinions then raise your hand and ask for permission to speak. Don’t stand up and shout. Your antics are not funny.” Kirk ignored him

“It’s a damn lie” Kirk repeated. “It’s bullshit that Kodos thought he was helping anybody, that fucking bastard knew what he was doing when he murdered 4000 goddamn people in fucking cold blood! He didn’t give a shit about the colonists he saw the famine as an opportunity to start his eugenics program. That fucker was waiting for an excuse to cull the useless”

Kirk finally paused for breath. There was complete silence; everybody’s eyes were on him. McCoy was staring at him. Kirk was bright red in the face and breathing hard.

Relik finally spoke “Mr. Kirk get out of this class and do not come back until you have some self-control and have stopped being an attention seeking idiot. Which I suspect will never happen.”

Kirk didn’t care what Relik said. He had to leave anyway. Kirk grabbed his bag and shoved his data PADD in. He avoided McCoy’s inquiring gaze. He had to get out of class. McCoy was staring at him and others were whispering about him. Kirk’s face was turning pale, his hands still trembled and he felt sick. He slipped through the nearest exit doors, ran to the closest bathroom and threw up.

When he finished, he sat down on the cold tile and thought of what professor Relik had said. The man hadn’t understood what he was talking about. Relik could talk about the massacre with clinical detachment because he wasn’t one of the people who had witnessed it. He had never roamed streets slick with blood. He had never seen bodies piled higher than a horse’s brow. He hadn’t had over twenty children relying on him when he was only a child himself. He hadn’t been tortured for hours to give up the locations of others and had to hold out to give them enough time to get away. He didn’t have scars crisscrossing his body, from the time spent with Kodos’ skilled interrogators, which he had to lie to people about.

He hadn’t had to watch as the children he had sworn he would protect had died one by one.

Kirk sat on the bathroom floor for over two hours, missing his next class. Finally he heard the door open and a familiar voice say “Jim you in here?”

Kirk didn’t answer. He hoped Bones would leave. But McCoy didn’t instead he said “Jim, I know you’re in here. One of the cadets saw you come in here and your boots are poking out from under a stall door.” Kirk glanced at his feet and saw that was true.

Before Kirk could move, the stall door opened and McCoy looked in with a worried expression on his face. “You okay?”

Kirk gave a weak smile “I’m fine. I think I’ve got some of that stomach flu that’s going around.

McCoy continued to stare at him. Kirk looked away. “What was that back there Jim?”

“Nothing, I just got tired of Relik talking like he knew everything”

McCoy didn’t say anything

Kirk looked up and tried to put his old grin on as he said “did you see that old bastard’s face?”

McCoy wasn’t smiling; instead he said “Yeah I saw. But there was more to what you said then trying to tick Relik off. What’s going on?”

“Nothing”

“It can’t be nothing; you pretty much had a panic attack at the mention of Tarsus IV.”

Kirk stood up and brushed his clothes off. “It’s nothing. I just wanted to piss Relik off.”

“Jim, I—“

“Drop it Bones! Stop psychoanalysing me. You don’t have a goddamn idea what the hell you’re talking about!” Kirk glared at him.

McCoy narrowed his eyes, then said “Fine, keep whatever it is too yourself.”

“I will”

McCoy turned and walked out. After a moment Kirk followed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lied, we'll have an update now and then go back to our regularly scheduled update time. (One update every seven days) ;)

It was lunch time all the cadets were hurrying to the mess hall, McCoy included. Kirk followed. He didn't feel particularly hungry, but if people didn't see him soon they would start talking and this was the one time he didn't want to be the topic of conversation.

When they got to the mess hall. McCoy ordered a tray and Kirk did also. They looked around and finally spotted an empty table.

McCoy started eating with gusto. Kirk picked at his food for a few seconds, and then he felt a slight twinge as his now empty stomach protested at the lack of sustenance.

The twinge was minor compared to the one's he had felt on Tarsus IV, while he was slowly starving to death, but it hurt the same.

Kirk picked up the fork and took a large mouthful, chewed and swallowed. Then he rapidly shovelled another bite in. He continued eating that way and within two minutes the plate was clean. He got up and ordered another tray and began consuming that one.

Gaila sat down at the table "Hi, Jim" she said.

Kirk didn't bother to answer; instead he nodded and continued eating.

"You're really hungry." Gaila watched him for a moment then said "I heard what you did in Relik's class that was brilliant. Somebody needed to tell him off."

Kirk nodded and continued eating.

Uhura came by with a tray.

"Come sit with us!" Gaila said patting the space next to her.

Uhura glanced between Kirk and McCoy, then said "Only if these two promise to behave themselves."

"On my honour as a gentleman and a doctor" McCoy said, and then added "It's not really me you should be extracting a promise from anyway. It's him" He nodded at Kirk.

Uhura turned to Kirk and said "Well, are you going to keep your hands to yourself and your comments to a minimum?"

Kirk swallowed a mouthful of food and said "Don't I usually? It's not my fault if my gentlemanly reserve is occasionally broken by your stunning beauty, or that my mouth gets ahead of my brain sometimes."

Uhura rolled her eyes "Not sometimes all the time" She said as she placed her tray down.

Kirk went back to eating, since he had started he felt extremely hungry. He couldn't stop. He knew he should. He got another plate, and continued wolfing food down.

McCoy noticed. "You're going to eat that one also? What did you miss breakfast?"

"I'm hungry" Kirk said

McCoy shrugged.

Everybody finished their food and Kirk had gotten a fourth plate. He came back and started on it. As he began cramming food into his mouth, the conversation suddenly stopped. Kirk continued eating until the silence struck him then he looked up to find everybody staring at him "What?"

"You just ate three _large_ plates of food and you're eating another." Gaila asked

"I'm hungry" Kirk said somewhat defensively.

Kirk took another bite. Uhura said "Seriously, why are you eating all that for? That can't be healthy."

The words came out unintentionally. "You have to eat as much as you can when you can, there might not be any food later and we might not be able to take any with us."

"What?!" McCoy said

Kirk realized what he had said. It had been the right thing to say to the younger children when they had all but given up and were refusing to even eat the food he had stolen, but it was the wrong thing to say to a group of Starfleet cadets in the mess hall.

 _You're on Earth, not Tarsus IV._ Kirk mentally chided himself. He shook his head and muttered "nothing" to the others inquiring gazes.

"What do you mean nothing? You just said you had to eat all this food because we can't take it with us" McCoy stared at him and continued "Good god man, this is Earth not some refugee camp or famine zone."

Kirk shook his head again, realizing he had to say something to diffuse the questions he could already see gathering in the other's eyes.

He forced himself to laugh and said "I was joking; you should see you guys' faces"

"This was a joke. You just ate three and a half plates of food and probably made yourself sick as a joke?" Uhura said disbelievingly.

Kirk grinned and said "I'm serious about my jokes"

"You're seriously crazy" Gaila muttered

They continued to stare at him. Kirk realized that he still had the fork in his hand and was just raising another bite to his mouth. He dropped it. "Honestly, I-I- was joking. I'm done now." He stood up and walked away. He could feel the others eyes following him.

He felt embarrassed. It was a long time since he had done something like that. It wasn't a conscious action on his part either. For almost three months after Tarsus IV. He hadn't wanted to eat much of anything. The doctors said that was normal, his body was becoming used to eating again and he was still feeling guilt over eating when so many others had died from starvation.

His mother had come home one day and found him in the kitchen with every food item he could find open and spread out on the counter as he stuffed whatever was within reach into his mouth. Flour, raw eggs, unpeeled vegetables, and half-spoiled milk anything in sight he devoured. Dried pasta was as equally delicious as a cookie to him. He didn't care what he ate it was food and he had eaten a lot worse. His mother had stared in horror at him then said "Jimmy dear, what are you doing?"

"I'm hungry "he had replied.

Later that night at dinner and for a year and a half afterwards he had consumed helping after helping of food. Many times eating so much he had to throw up afterwards. It wasn't that he was even hungry sometimes. He wanted his stomach to be full so it wouldn't have the slightest sensation of emptiness. The faint twinges of an approaching meal time brought back memories of cold nights and gunfire as he tried to sleep and ignore the pain he felt after giving his food to some else so they could eat. The faint twinges brought back memories of Tarsus IV.

He also ate because after months on Tarsus IV, one thought had been ground into him from spending, sometimes almost a week without food: You ate when you could as much as you could. Nobody ever knew when their next meal would come and on the very few times they had actually had more than enough food to spread around the more than twenty kids that thought of him as the leader , they all had overate.


	3. Chapter 3

Now, Kirk walked towards his next class, trying to concentrate on the Astro-Nav quiz he knew was scheduled for that day. When he got to class there was a slight buzz of conversation as he walked in. Kirk squared his shoulders and put on the devil-may-care expression most people had come to expect from him.

A hand touched his shoulder; he instinctively flinched away from the contact and twisted to face the person. He found himself staring into the face of a cadet he knew by sight but he had no idea what his name was.

“That was hilarious Kirk! Totally crazy, but still hilarious.” The man walked away still laughing, after clapping Kirk on the back.  Several cadets made similar remarks. Apparently the general consensus was Kirk’s outburst had been a joke to needle Relik.

One female cadet said “Relik is trying to get you placed on suspension, for as he said, showing disrespect and acting like you were one of the Tarsus 9.” The girl laughed and continued. “I don’t even know if there is such a thing as the Tarsus 9. They probably were made up so Starfleet looked like it hadn’t completely failed.”

Kirk didn’t speak.

She added “Seriously, like one of the Tarsus 9 could be walking around and nobody would know. Those guys are probably seriously screwed up.”

Kirk could only nod. The grin was still plastered to his face, but it was entirely false. The girl walked off. He felt sick and not just from all the food he had eaten. He was sickened by people’s reaction to Tarsus IV. The cadets were casually talking about it, joking even and there was nothing about the massacre that was remotely funny.

After class had filled and everybody had taken their seats, the quiz was transmitted. Quiet descended upon the cadets, each student, except for one, was intent on their work.

Kirk found he couldn’t concentrate on vectors, warp factors, and course corrections. The information he needed to provide the needed answers had fled his mind, instead all he could think about was memories from his past.

When the quiz ended, he knew he had scored poorly, but he didn’t care. The grades were almost immediately posted. There were groans of dismay and shouts of delight as each cadet received their score. Kirk didn’t even need to look at his to know he had the lowest score of the entire class. The rest of the class passed in a blur.

As everybody was filing toward the door and Kirk was moving with the crowd a voice said “Kirk a word with you”. Instructor Li, the Astro-Nav instructor was staring directly at him.

A few cadets glanced at Kirk but he ignored them. He turned to his instructor; the expression he reserved for when he wanted to be particularly annoying was already firmly lodged on his face. It was half, I don’t care and half I’m not really listening to you, I’m too busy imagining what you look like undressed.

Instructor Li waited until the last Cadet had left. Before she could speak, Kirk smiled and said “if you wanted us to be alone, I’m-“

Li cut him off “Stop Kirk, before you make a comment I’m going to have to report.”

Kirk stopped talking, instead he grinned lazily at her. . He knew what everybody expected him to act like and it wasn’t hard to pretend everything was fine.

“Your grade was the lowest in the class. Can you tell me why?”

Kirk was fully prepared to tell her why, just not the real reason. “I was distracted—"   He broke off the statement on purpose.

“Distracted by what?”

“Distracted by your beauty, it’s hard to concentrate on quasars and coordinates when—“

Li cut him off “Kirk cut the crap. Last week your grade was the highest in class, except for that Russian Kid and now you’re the lowest.” She continued “I think I know what’s bothering you”

Kirk’s mouth went dry. _She couldn’t know. Even only the highest officials in Starfleet knew._

“Yesterday in your tactical class they were discussing the Kelvin, right?”

Kirk didn’t speak.

“That bothered you didn’t it?”

Kirk shrugged. He relaxed slightly knowing the woman was on the wrong track entirely. He was used to people discussing the _Kelvin_. It was a defining moment in history. His father was hailed as a hero. People still discussed how he had held off Nero single-handedly and saved hundreds of lives. Sometimes, it bothered Kirk to hear the incident discussed.

_Wouldn’t it have bothered anybody to hear the day their father had died talked about, discussed in great detail and described event after event?_

He had even heard the last few words his father had spoken before he had died on a few documentaries. Every birthday, documentaries and even a few movies about the Kelvin were played. He had come to hate his birthday. However, discussing an event he had only heard of and had no memory of didn’t bother him as much as casually discussing a massacre that over 4,000 people had died in. It didn’t bother him as much as hearing jokes and comments made about the massacre that had left him with scars and memories he could never be rid of.

Kirk didn’t say any of what he had thought. He said “I guess it did”

Li nodded understandingly “I know. That’s why I’m going to let you re-take this quiz and I’m going to speak to Renfield about the incident in your ethical psychology class” She added “I know what you’re going through one of my brother’s died on the _Kelvin_.”

Kirk glanced away from her. His jaw tightened. Everybody over the years always thought they knew him and nobody really did.

“May I be dismissed?” Kirk’s voice was uncharacteristically cold.

“You may” Li said.

Kirk thought he detected a note of pity in her tone. He left the room quickly and lost himself in the sea of cadets filling the corridor. He allowed the tide of people to pull him along to his next class.

He arrived to find, cadets lining up. He had forgotten that an assembly was scheduled for the day. Various officials from Starfleet Academies on other planets were coming to tour the school and several speakers were scheduled. Kirk lined up and around him other cadets quickly filed into position. He had been in the front row, but more and more people filed in until he was enclosed. Somebody was on either side of him; people were in front of him and in the back. He tried to relax but the crowd was making him feel nervous.

His palms started to sweat. A hand touched his shoulder and he recoiled. The hand quickly withdrew and Kirk turned to find McCoy standing next to him. His gaze was questioning.

“You startled me.” Kirk said

McCoy stared at him a second longer, then nodded. The doctor looked over the heads of the cadets lined up and said “I hate when they have these big affairs. I feel like some goddamn manikin on display. I-“

Kirk wasn’t listening. More and more people were filling the auditorium. _To escape quickly would be impossible._

 _Wait. Why was he thinking like that?_ Kirk shook his head, trying to stay in the present.

His heart was thrashing against his ribs. His uniform was sticking to his body. The noise level rose and fell as the cadets discussed various subjects. The conversation was just as innocent and mundane as it had been years ago, right before…Kirk felt himself slipping back into the past and flashes of memory swarmed forward.

_They were all standing there. Men, women and Children waited neatly assembled in a group. Conversation flowed through the group and speculation ran rampant. Were they finally getting aid? Had the cause of the famine been fixed? Was Starfleet coming? The arrival of one man and his speech had shattered all hopes. Terror descended. The group became a mass of disorganized people. Weapon fire broke out. Screams cut through the air, only to be silenced almost instantly. People were trampled in others haste to escape. He fought to stay upright. There was falling bodies everywhere. Noise. Blood._

“Jim. Jim?”

Kirk came back to the present.

“You okay?” McCoy peered at him. Kirk didn’t speak. McCoy continued “You look like you’re about to pass out.”

Kirk stared out past McCoy. Somebody was speaking. The voice boomed through the auditorium. None of the other cadets noticed Kirk; their attention was focused on the man’s words. Kirk tried to listen, his mind latched on the next few words the man spoke “Sometimes survival depends on drastic measures.”

The man couldn’t have known what his words had mirrored. It was just a fluke. Just a coincidence, but to Kirk the words were part of a speech that Kirk knew by heart.

_“The revolution is successful. But survival depends on drastic measures. Your continued existence represents a threat to the well-being of this society…Therefore, I have no alternative but to sentence you to death. Your execution is so ordered, signed Kodos, Governor of Tarsus IV”_

Kirk swayed. McCoy caught his arm and steadied him. “Jim you okay?”

Kirk shook his head. “It’s too crowded. Too many people.” His breath was coming in gasps. “We can’t stay here. We have to move. We have to escape.” He gasped, sweat was pouring down his face, desperately he clutched McCoy’s arm. His breath caught in his throat. “I can’t breathe.”

McCoy stared at his friend worriedly. Kirk had never acted like this. As improbable as it was McCoy searched Kirk’s face for a hint of a joke. The only emotion he detected was pure terror and desperation.

Kirk’s face was pale as a ghost as he gasped “Bones, please --I can’t stay here.--I’m going to puke.”

McCoy didn’t doubt him. He elbowed a way through the crowd clearing a way for the both of them. A wake of protest arose behind them. The cadets stopped complaining and quickly moved out the way as soon as they noticed Kirk’s face.  One of them asked “What’s wrong with him?”

“Stomach flu” McCoy said curtly. Privately he doubted stomach flu had anything to do with Kirk’s behaviour. He had seen his friend with a temperature of 105, a rash covering his entire body and sweat dripping off him like a fountain. Kirk had still demanded to be allowed up and flirted with every nurse walking by his bed.

Something else was going on and McCoy was determined to find out what it was.

When they finally cleared the crowd of cadets and slipped through the auditorium doors to the courtyard outside, Kirk sank gratefully onto a bench and placed his head between his legs.

McCoy sat next to him and watched as Kirk’s harsh gasps for air slowly quieted. Finally Kirk straightened up. He was still incredibly pale. He didn’t meet McCoy’s eyes and stared at anything else.

“What’s going on Jim?”

“Nothing, I ate too much and felt sick” Kirk said refusing look at McCoy. “It’s just stomach flu”

“It’s not just stomach flu” McCoy continued. “I know you, remember? I know that stomach flu doesn’t make you act like that. I’ve seen you with a lot worse than a little virus and never did you act like you just did.”

“I’m fine” Kirk finally looked at McCoy.

“Jim. You kept spacing out, at one point you were muttering to yourself, and when I touched you flinched.”

“It’s nothing”

“‘We can’t stay here. We have to move. We have to escape.’” McCoy quoted. When Kirk didn’t answer, McCoy added. “It was like you were having some kind of panic attack, PTSD, or a flashback to something. It wasn’t nothing.”

 Kirk blew up “Bones you have to find something wrong with everybody don’t you!” He stood up and shouted “You have to have something to fix! Right? Everybody has to have a problem.”

Jim, you’re—“

Kirk cut him off “You’re the person with the problem. There something wrong when you have to diagnose everybody.” Part of Kirk knew this was an awful thing to say, but he said it anyway. He wanted McCoy to stop talking to him. “Maybe that’s why you’re not married anymore. Did you try to play psychiatrist with your wife too? Did you diagnose her?”

McCoy stared at him then said softly “You bastard.” He stood up and looked like he was restraining himself from hitting Kirk with great difficulty.

Kirk wanted a fight. He hoped Bones would hit him, then he would have an excuse to let out some of the anger that was spreading throughout his body. Hell, he wouldn’t even fight back. Kirk would rather be beaten to a pulp. Physical pain would help drown out the pain that was in his mind. He knew from experience it was one of the very few things that did.

Kirk baited McCoy further. “You’re the reason you don’t have anything. You family is gone because you spent too much time bothering in everybody else’s business and didn’t take care of your own.” McCoy’s face was cold. Kirk continued “Somebody else move in on your wife while you were off being a fucking do-gooder?”

McCoy’s fists were clenched at his sides. Kirk added “Hell, maybe it was me. What did your wife look like? Could you jog my memory? Are you sure Joanna is even yours?”

McCoy lost it. Kirk saw the punch coming and he didn’t try to move out the way. The blow landed solidly on his jaw. Kirk tasted blood in his mouth. He straightened up and spat. He had a crazy grin on his face, as he said “Was that all?”

McCoy had been about to hit Kirk a second time. Now he paused and started at the expression on the younger man’s face. It was almost happy, like he had achieved his desired outcome. Underneath the happiness, McCoy thought he detected another emotion: desperation.

_What was going on?_

McCoy cut Kirk off when he tried to say another taunt. The doctor asked “You want this don’t you?”

“Stop all your damn psychobabble you asshole” Kirk said, but something flickered in his eyes at McCoy’s statement.

McCoy shook his head. “I’m not giving it to you. This is how you deal with things. You get drunk, find some woman, or get the sh—kicked out of you”

Kirk started to speak again. McCoy cut him off again “I’m not helping you do it. You’re going to have to find another way to deal with whatever’s bothering you. What you’re doing is sick and there’s something wrong.” McCoy shook his head again then turned and walked away.

Kirk tossed a few insults at McCoy’s retreating back, but the doctor didn’t turn around.

Kirk watched as McCoy disappeared, and then he sat down on the bench and put his head in his hands. He couldn’t believe what he had done. McCoy had been genuine in his concern. Time after time McCoy had gotten him out of trouble. He had been there for him, even when Kirk had to admit he didn’t deserve it. Kirk wondered whether, he finally gone too far. _Was the only friendship he had left over?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is welcome.


	4. Chapter 4

Kirk had been seated outside in the courtyard for over an hour, ruminating on his actions. His thoughts were interrupted by a rush of voices.

Cadets flooded out the auditorium. The assembly was over. Kirk hadn’t realized he had sat there that long. Voices rose and tumbled as most people exuberantly expressed their joy at finishing the last class for the day. Somebody brought out a ball and an impromptu game of catch started. Kirk watched the cadets play for a while before a female voice asked “You okay?”

Kirk turned to find a brown haired cadet named Stevens, sitting next to him. Kirk forced himself to smile and said “Of course, aren’t I always?”

She smiled a little and shook her head slightly “You’re really full of yourself. You know that?”

She continued talking but Kirk wasn’t listening. He was focused on a conversation a few feet away from him. Two cadets from his ethical psychology class were locked in debate. They were discussing the assignment Relik had given. One cadet named Trudeau, who Kirk hated with a passion for the cadet’s bigoted views and carefully disguised xenophobic ideologies, said “Professor Relik does have a point. Kodos wasn’t all wrong.”

“I have a hard time thinking of him as anything but a murderer” a human-female cadet called Navi replied.

“Look, it’s like this. Kodos made a decision that people think of as murder, but did he really have another choice? He saved almost 4,000 people. Look at the glass half-full not half-empty.”

“Glass half-full Trudeau? He killed people. Murdered them.”

“You’re still thinking linear. Think out the box. They’re always telling us that here. Kodos analysed the situation and enacted the only option he saw as viable“

Navi shook her head “I can’t see it that way.”

Trudeau argued “Navi, half the people who died weren’t even humans. They weren’t native to that world and they had no real purpose. You know what he called the ones he ordered for execution: the less necessary. He was right. They weren’t needed for labour or genetically.”

“You’re really getting into this paper. Tell you what I’ll let you write my argument in favour of Kodos’s decision and I’ll do some work for you in another class, because I can’t stand to think like that murderer.”

“There you go again. “ Trudeau shook his head and said “Navi, he did the right thing for the colony as a whole. The people he ordered to be executed deserved—“

Kirk jumped up from the bench and before Trudeau could say another word, Kirk hit him. Trudeau stumbled back and put a hand to nose. When he brought it back down, he stared down at the blood in disbelief. He glared at Kirk and yelled “What the hell is your problem!”

Kirk didn’t respond, instead he laid into Trudeau. He hit him as hard as he could the entire time yelling repeatedly “Shut your fucking mouth”. Hands pulled at Kirk, and Trudeau’s friends joined the fray. Soon Kirk stopped feeling the pleasurable sensation of Trudeau face and body yielding to his blows and instead felt his own body being used as a punching bag.

Kirk fought back, but not that much. The pain was good. When his mind was alight with the agony coursing through his body, it left no room for memories to break through.

Finally, Kirk was aware of someone wading through the melee of people. The assault on his body ceased. He opened his eyes and stared up into a stern face.

Campus security stared down at him and said.  “Cadet Kirk.”

Kirk blinked and slowly pulled himself up. A panting Trudeau was standing nearby; a security guard was holding the man’s arm. Kirk glanced at the name tag of the Security guard standing in front of him. He blinked a few more times to clear his eyes and eventually made out the man’s name. It was Lieutenant Panti.

Kirk’s mind was already formulating several jokes centred on the man’s name. Kirk gave an annoying grin and said “What can I do for you Lieutenant _Panti?_ ”

The man frowned, but didn’t rise to the bait. He spoke “Cadet Kirk, You and Cadet Trudeau are being escorted to Renfield’s office. You infractions are: fighting on school ground, creating a public nuisance, and conduct unbefitting a cadet. Do you deny any of these statements?”

Kirk thought about it. Panti’s comment had summarized everything he had done. Kirk gave a careless shrug “You got me, guilty as charged.”

“Damn right. He’s guilty as hell! But I was just defending myself, that crazy asshole walked over and attacked me for no reason”!

Kirk turned toward Trudeau and would have started toward the man if, the security guard hadn’t grabbed his arm holding him back. Kirk yelled “I had plenty of reason you fucker . You couldn’t shut your goddamn mouth!”

The guard holding Kirk gave him a shake and told him to settle down. After a moment Kirk took a half-step backwards, and the two security guards and cadets started walking. They were halfway down a corridor when Kirk realized they weren’t anywhere near Renfield’s office. In fact they were going the wrong way entirely.

“Uh, hate to break it to you, but they don’t teach you security guys much do they? Renfield’s office is that way.” Kirk pointed.

Panti gritted his teeth, but his voice remained even as he said “We’re stopping by medical first. You have injuries that need to be seen.”

Kirk froze. Panti jerked him forward. “I’m not going to medical” Kirk said. His ribs hurt and one or two was probably broken, the skin on the back of his knuckles was split and he was pretty sure he had broken a finger, yet again. Even with all his injuries Kirk had no desire to visit medical. McCoy would be there. The doctor had a late class in one of the clinics and Kirk had no desire to face him.

“You’re refusing medical treatment?”

Kirk said “Yep.”

Panti shrugged. Trudeau likewise refused to visit medical and so they started towards Renfield’s office.

When they got there, Kirk and Trudeau were seen together. Renfield admonished them both. Punishments and warnings were handed out. Threats of expellment were said  and then both cadets were dismissed. As they both started to exit, Renfield stopped Kirk.

“I understand that some of the events that were discussed in class the past few days have bothered you.”

Kirk froze, then asked “What’s bothered me?”

“I’m aware that certain situations in your past are very disturbing to you.”

Kirk didn’t speak.

“But being a Starfleet officer is about resilience. That means putting things behind you and moving on. Thinking about the positive of a given situation and not dwelling on the negative.”

Kirk wondered how she could be so callous. There was no good to think about with Tarsus IV. He didn’t even know how she knew he was one of the Tarsus 9. When the survivors had been rescued their identities were kept a secret. Only the high ranking officials knew the identities of the survivors.

Renfield continued “The events of the _Kelvin_ ,while horrific, showed a level of sacrifice that nobody could have asked for. Your father was a hero and you should be proud of what he did.”

Kirk stared at her.

“Kirk, I know you have it in you to rise above your past and become the same type of captain your father was and better. He saved hundreds of lives in a few minutes. You have the potential in you to save millions.”

Kirk gave his typical grin and said with as much sarcasm as he could muster. “That’s a lot of weight to put on my shoulders.”

“Yes it is.”

“You sure I can handle it?”

“Do _you_ think you can?”

They stared at each other, after a moment Renfield dismissed him.

XXXX XXXX

 Kirk flopped onto his bed. After leaving Renfield’s office he had wandered around the halls avoiding people until he figured his room was deserted. Then he skipped dinner and headed to bed. He wanted to be alone.

He stared at the ceiling and thought of Renfield’s words. _Do you think you can?_ Kirk had entered Starfleet on Pike’s half-dare, but that wasn’t the reason he stayed. Starfleet felt right. He finally had a purpose.

Sometimes, though he felt angry with himself at his decision. _Who was he to think he could be in charge of a star ship and hold in his hands not only the lives of the hundreds of people that would be his crew but also the millions of people’s lives on thousands of planets who would be affected by his decisions? He hadn’t even been able to successfully lead the only group he had ever been charged with. Despite all his efforts , the children had died one by one._

Kirk bolted up right . He heard the sound of someone running. A scream rang out. He was halfway out of bed when he heard the scream again and a giggle followed after.

A male voice said “You can run all you want, but this water balloon has your name on it”

“Not if you can’t catch me” a female voice replied.

Kirk heard footsteps run past and more shouts, before the noise faded into the distance. He laid back and closed his eyes, gradually his heart slowed. The scream he had heard was replayed in his mind. He knew that it wasn’t a sound produced from fear, but it was indistinguishable from the one’s he had heard repeatedly on Tarsus IV. He tried to think of a happy memory but all he could remember was Tarsus IV. Slowly he drifted off to sleep.

_...It was dark. He hid in a group of trees. Two other children were crouched next to him. Their strangled breaths seemed extraordinarily loud. Soldiers were moving closer. The child nearest him whimpered slightly, he felt the boy’s leg knock against him. The boy whimpered louder this time and his entire body trembled. Without warning, the child bolted. There was no time to stop him. A solider turned, and saw the boy. A bolt of energy lanced out dropping the child in his tracks. The small form screamed and writhed in pain, then lay still. Half his body was burned horribly. Kirk and the remaining child ran as the soldiers advanced towards their hiding place..._

_...Waking up in a cave. A heavy weight was nestled against his chest. He shifted, and stared down at the small body lying in his lap. The little girl was fast asleep; her face was peaceful. His neck ached from the way he was sitting. Gently he disentangled her from him and was moving her to the side when he noticed something was wrong. Her head lolled. Her body wasn’t just relaxed. It was limp. He carefully felt the side of her face. It was cool. He didn’t breathe as he slipped a hand down to her neck feeling for a pulse that wasn’t there. He called her name, softly at first then more urgently. He fell silent as he received no response. He knew what had happened. He had expected it. She wasn’t asleep. She was dead..._

_...Frantically he searched for some way to escape. The troops surrounded him. There was no way out. He straightened up and stared defiantly at the soldiers. Inside he was sick with fear. But if he was going to die. He would die staring death in the face and standing on his own two feet. Like his father, he would hold it together to the end. The soldiers raised their weapons; moments passed that felt like hours. He wished they would get it over with. They didn’t kill him. Someone grabbed him. He was restrained and dragged off to Kodos and in turned handed over to the man’s interrogators..._

_...Pain rippled through his body, driving almost all conscious thought from his mind._

_“Where are they?” a harsh voice rang out. “Tell me and it’ll stop”_

_His entire body was in misery. Thoughts raced through his mind. Did it matter of he told? They were dead anyway. They all had been from the start; he was a fool not to see it. A bright spark of pain brought him back from the unconsciousness he was slipping into. Do anything that’ll get the pain to stop; part of his mind begged him. He ruthlessly pushed the thought down. Another ripple of torture seared his body, when the sensation dampened, only one thought remained: He had to hold out to give the others a chance.”_

_Kirk forced his eyes open, with parched lips he whispered “go to hell.”_

_A flood of pain was released, obliterating all thought. He screamed and writhed, it seemed never ending. As white-hot agony scorched his body, everything else was driven away but the sensation he couldn’t see. He couldn’t think. He wasn’t anything anymore but pain..._

He awoke to somebody shaking him. He flinched away from the touch, when it didn’t move away; he violently pushed the arm away. He backed away from the grip until his body was pressed against the wall. A hand reached out toward him and this time he snatched it and started to...

“Jim it’s me” Kirk’s grip tightened, he heard a gasp of pain. “It’s me. Bones.” The voice said more urgently this time.

Kirk blinked, he peered into the half-gloom of his darkened room. Dr. McCoy was standing near him. It was McCoy’s arm he had come close to breaking. He quickly released his grip.

“What are you doing here?” Kirk said angrily. He refused to look Dr. McCoy in the eyes.

“Checking on you.”

“Well, you can leave now, okay?”

McCoy didn’t move toward the door instead he sat on the edge of Kirk’s bed.

“What’s going on?”

“Come to psychoanalyze me again.” Kirk muttered shifting farther away from McCoy.

McCoy ignored Kirk’s tone. Quietly he said “Something is wrong. A minute ago you were thrashing around and yelling at the top of your lungs like somebody was torturing you. In class today you went totally off. During assembly you had some kind of panic attack.” McCoy paused but Kirk didn’t speak. McCoy continued “At lunch you ate like you were starving and said crazy sh—about why you were doing so. And today you attacked Trudeau for no reason.”

Kirk muttered under his breath. “It wasn’t for no reason. The fucker deserved it! You didn’t hear what he said.”

“What?” McCoy hadn’t caught Kirk’s last statement.

“I said he deserved it. You didn’t hear what he said.”

“What did he say?”

Kirk shook his head and didn’t answer.

McCoy spoke “Renfield talked to me about you”

Kirk glanced at McCoy “Why?”

“Because I’m your doctor and she wanted to know if there was a medical reason for your behaviour. I told her you might have the stomach flu and a fever, but that wasn’t a reason for you acting like you’ve lost your mind.” McCoy stared at Kirk and continued “Renfield thought the discussion yesterday about the _Kelvin_ was bothering you. Is it?”

Kirk took a breath and then said what obviously everybody expected “Yeah that bothered me, sitting there discussing something that caused so many people to die like it was a fucking problem to solve.”

“You’re lying.”

“You asked me for an answer now you’re saying I’m lying” Kirk acted like he was angry; in truth he was just tired of pretending.

“You are. What’s the real problem? Tell me.” McCoy saw right through Kirk’s act.

Kirk’s fingers toyed with the edge of his blanket. Abruptly he turned to McCoy. “I’ll tell you, if you promise me this first... After I tell you never ask me again.”

McCoy deliberated for a moment, but Kirk was serious. McCoy agreed “alright Jim”

Kirk took a deep breath “What’s bothering me is Ta—"   He broke off; he didn’t want to tell McCoy. McCoy would want to talk.  McCoy would look at him with the pity and horror that everybody who knew the truth did. Kirk finished “What’s bothering me is the worst time in my life”

McCoy waited for more. Kirk didn’t speak again. Finally McCoy said “and?”

“That’s all”

“Jim you didn’t tell me anything. I can’t help you if—“

“That’s all you’re getting” Kirk turned to McCoy and this time McCoy could see he was genuinely angry. “I don’t need help. I’m not weak.”

“I didn’t say you were weak”

“You’re saying I can’t handle anything. I’m not a god damn child. I can deal with it! I’ve dealt with it for years!” Kirk yelled

“Jim you’re not dealing well”

“I handle things my own way!”

“By—“

A knock was heard. Kirk slipped off his bed and opened the door to his room. An Andorian called Thran, was standing in the hall outside, and behind the man was three other cadets. Thran said “Kirk, you coming?  There’s a party in Nimitz hall.”

“I don’t know. I’m—"   Kirk began

“Come on. We were halfway there, when somebody said that you weren’t at the party and they hadn’t seen you. So we decided to stop by. It’s not a real party without you” A cadet behind Thran persisted.

“Guy’s I don’t want to go. I haven’t had a good day, I—“

“Then come to the party. I guarantee, by the end of tonight you won’t remember your name let alone today.” A red-haired cadet said.

Kirk wavered.

Thran said “Stevens is coming and she’s looking for you.”

Suddenly Kirk grinned and said “Well I wouldn’t want to disappoint. Give me a minute to get dressed.” He shut his door, went to his closet and grabbed some clothes. He tugged a shirt over his head and turned around to find McCoy staring at him disapprovingly.

“What!” Kirk said defiantly

“This isn’t helping and you know it.”

“It is, by the end of tonight I won’t care about anything.”

“And that’s good?”

“I have my own way of handling things” Kirk pulled his shoes on and avoided McCoy’s stare.

“By numbing yourself.”

Kirk didn’t answer. He finished tugging his clothes on. His hand was on the door about to open it, when he paused and turned back to McCoy. The last words he spoke before he left were “I’d rather be numb than feel everything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So things are intensifying and are going to get a lot worse. Just so you know this story isn't a random Kirk does something crazy every chapter, but has a plot with a resolution and storyline. Feedback is welcome.


	5. Chapter 5

When Kirk and the other cadets arrived at the party in Nimitz hall, the three other cadets departed leaving Kirk by himself. He wasn’t alone for long; when the other partygoers noticed Kirk’s arrival a crowd soon gathered around him. Kirk played along laughing and joking, occasionally adding something to the conversation but his heart wasn’t in it. As soon as he got a chance he slipped off to a solitary corner to get drunk in peace.

He was leaning against the wall finishing his fifth drink, watching the party with a detached air, when Ensign Stevens came over. She had her hair piled up on her head, a slinky pink dress that clung to her body and was incredibly short, and a faux fur wrap around her shoulders. Kirk looked at her with more than a hint of distaste. He didn’t really like Stevens, she was loose, and quite ignorant, but at the moment Kirk didn’t care. The distraction she offered was more than welcome.

Stevens smiled up at Kirk and said “I heard you weren’t coming and that got me real sad”

Kirk swallowed the rest of his drink and tossed the cup aside, missing the disposal chute by several feet. “Well, I wouldn’t have missed...” Kirk trailed off when he realized Stevens wasn’t listening. She was watching something else. Kirk turned to see what had attracted her attention and saw a tall male cadet, with a stocky build and a buzz-cut. Kirk recognized the man as Viegels. At the moment Viegels was deep in conversation with Trudeau, who had apparently decided to join the party. Kirk nodded his head toward Viegels and asked Stevens “You know him?”

Stevens glanced away and said “Who Viegels? Uh, yeah. He’s ...a friend.”

Stevens turned away and began talking animatedly to Kirk, but he noticed that she continued glancing at Viegels. Kirk tried to ignore Viegels and Trudeau’s conversation that was filtering past the loud music to where Kirk was standing. They were discussing the assignment Relik had given. Kirk felt anger stirring within him, for an irrational moment he thought that the two men were deliberately discussing Tarsus IV to anger him. Then the thought faded, he knew that every assignment in Ethical/psychology had been like this. The topic of the week always was a hot button issue that was discussed repeatedly all over campus. He had never cared so much before , because all the other situations he hadn’t lived.

His fists were clenched at his sides. The points of view he overheard were inciting a feeling of murderous anger within him.  He needed something to take his mind off the events of the day and the memories that had been stirred up.

McCoy had been right; Kirk used three things to cope with whatever was bothering him at any given moment. Over the course of the day Kirk had already tried two of them without achieving the desired effect, he decided to try the third. Deliberately he forced himself to turn away from the conversation. He asked Stevens “You want to go somewhere else? Outside maybe?”

Stevens said “Outside? Okay I guess.” She paused then her face brightened. She turned to a female cadet walking by and said “Hillel, if _anybody_ asks where I am. I’m outside with _Kirk._ ”

Hillel said confusedly “anybody?” Then a look of understanding crossed her face. She added “Got it.”

Kirk sensed there was something going on that he wasn’t picking up on but he shrugged it off. With one last glance toward Viegels who was still talking to Trudeau and had an arm around a female cadet, Stevens followed Kirk outside.

When Stevens got outside she shivered, and pulled her wrap tighter around herself. “It’s cold out here.”

Kirk pulled off his jacket and put it on her. She smiled gratefully at him; he slipped a hand around her shoulders. They started walking around the courtyard of Nimitz hall. Kirk was silent. At first Stevens talked but when she received no response she stopped. Kirk wasn’t ignoring her, he didn’t really hear her. He may have been walking in the present, but his mind was trying to find its way back from the past.

Stevens shivered again and Kirk glanced down at her. “Still cold” he said. Inside he was feeling a roiling torment of emotions.  He desperately needed something that would block out the memories that flashed through his mind. He slipped his hand farther down  to the small of Stevens’ back and turned her around so she was facing him. “I know what’ll warm you up.” Without warning he leaned down and kissed her hungrily. Silently his mind begged her to go along with it, as he pulled her closer.

After a moment, Stevens pulled away and said “Kirk I like you, but ...let’s just talk for now.”

“Okay.” It wasn’t okay. He wanted more than talking. He wanted to banish the memories that were tormenting his mind, but he forced himself to relax.

“What do you want to talk about?”

“I don’t know” Kirk glanced at the night sky.  The stars twinkled brightly, the moon was absent to ruin their visibility, and he could see numerous constellations. He raised a hand and pointed a few out to Stevens, but he could see she wasn’t really interested.

He stared absently into the sky. And something about the night reminded him of a night long ago.

... _A girl was sitting next to him at the mouth of a cave. They both stared up at the sky watching the stars. Kirk had one arm around the girl’s shoulders. A blanket was draped across them both. They talked quietly, trying not to wake the others. In the background, the quiet breathing of children at peace in their dreams, the last refuge they had left, filled the air. Kirk slowly pointed out the constellations that filled the night sky of Tarsus IV..._

Kirk took a deep breath and pulled himself back.

Stevens was talking, “So, what was the fight between you and Trudeau about?”

“It’s a long story.” Kirk shifted restlessly and shoved his hands in his pockets.

“We have time”

Kirk deliberated then finally said “He thinks, he’s right about everything, but he’s not. I was there and—“  Kirk broke off.

Steven didn’t notice. She was saying “Trudeau does have some pretty strong opinions, but some of what he says makes sense.”

“Like what?” Kirk asked quietly.

“Like, about Tarsus IV. He did make a lot of sense. Kodos may not have been a great person, but he did manage to save 4000 people when all of the colonists could have potentially died.”

Kirk ‘s face turned pale with rage. He stared down at the young woman and the sight of her was at that moment, one of the vilest things he had ever seen.

Stevens continued. She was utterly oblivious to the emotions her statements were evoking. “Probably should have done it a little differently, maybe a lottery or something, not just go off and decide, hey you live you die. But—“

She broke off. Voices could be heard behind them. Viegels and four other of his friends had come out of Nimitz hall. Stevens glanced at them then turned to Kirk and gripped his face in both hands. “You know what? You look cold, and I am too” without another word she pushed him against a wall and started kissing him passionately.

A few minutes ago, Kirk would have been elated with the turn of events, now he was repulsed with everything about Stevens. His body was responding to her kisses against his will. He raised his hands to push her way, when a voice drew her attention away from him, sparing him the effort.

“Stevens, what the fuck are you doing with Kirk!” Viegels yelled.

Stevens pulled away and Kirk glanced past her to the menacing figure of Viegels and his four friends marching up the path towards them. Stevens drew her Kirk’s jacket  tighter around her shoulders and said defiantly “You weren’t paying me any attention Viegels. If I’m your girl, treat me like it! Now you see how it feels, every time I see you traipsing around with the latest cadet of the day!”

Kirk realized he had been used, but at that moment he didn’t care. He only wanted to get as far away from Stevens as possible. Kirk started to move away and Viegels grabbed his shirt front slamming him back against the wall. “Not so fast Kirk. I’m not finished here. “ Viegels leaned closer and snarled “apparently half the female population on campus isn’t good enough for you! You had to add Stevens too!” He raised a fist.

Stevens grabbed Viegels’ wrist and said “I’m sorry for tricking you Kirk but—“ She broke off and turned to Viegels. “Leave him alone, it’s not his fault. I was trying to make you jealous”

Viegels didn’t even acknowledge Stevens as he said “I don’t care what she says. You should have kept your hands off her; you don’t even think of---”

Kirk had had enough. The anger that he was feeling begged for release. He spat at Stevens and said “You don’t have to worry about me leaving her alone. You couldn’t pay me enough to have anything to do with that disgusting whore bitch”

Stevens turned bright red and looked speechless. Viegels asked in a deadly quiet voice “What did you say?”

Kirk hated Viegels. He hated Stevens and anybody that had talked about Tarsus IV like they knew what should have happened. He may not have felt comfortable physically attacking Stevens but he felt no such qualms holding him back from fighting Viegels. Kirk said intentionally “I said she’s a disgusting whore bitch!”

Viegels turned beet red at the insult to his girlfriend. Steven glared at Kirk then spat contemptuously “Kirk, I was going to stop them from kicking your ass but you deserve everything you get.” She turned and walked back into Nimitz hall, leaving Kirk alone with Viegels and his four cronies. Kirk wasn’t scared; in fact he was quietly exhilarated. Earlier when he had attacked Trudeau it had been a more civilized affair. They were in the middle of the campus, other cadets were around, and Trudeau wasn’t as violently angry as Kirk had made Viegels. Even if he wasn’t the winner, Kirk welcomed the release the fight would provide.

Viegels released the front of Kirk’s shirt and started to raise a fist. Kirk even as inebriated as he was, moved faster than Viegels. The man received a solid hit in the gut that would at least winded most people, but Kirk’s fist made contact with hard muscle, and Viegels barely seemed to register the blow. Kirk twisted out the way of a punch from one of Viegels friends and retaliated with a kick which connected with the man’s groin. The cadet fell to his knees groaning in pain. Kirk felt adrenalin pouring through his veins, then a punch made contact with his jaw, snapping his head back. Kirk straightened up and saw that it was Viegels who had hit him.

Kirk tasted blood in his mouth and his vision was slightly blurred. He stumbled a little. One of Viegels’ friends came behind him and tried to get him in a headlock, Kirk broke the grip. But he knew it was only a matter of time. It was five against one. Terrible odds if you wanted to win, but brilliant odds if you were looking to get the shit beat out of you. At this point Kirk wasn’t sure he cared which probability became reality, all it mattered was that the action of the past few minutes left his mind with no room to think about anything else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So hope you liked that! Lights are out where I am so, I have only a bit of battery left after I finished my math test and as a treat to myself decided to post another chapter, hope it meets expectations.


	6. Chapter 6

McCoy lay in bed and tried unsuccessfully to sleep. It was hard being one of the oldest students in Starfleet Medical School. He had a roommate that was constantly out late at night partying and until McCoy had threatened him severely,  many nights the young man had brought back a _friend_ to the dorm room they shared. To increase his trouble, none of the students in Nimitz hall seemed to actually take curfew seriously and parties often continued until the wee hours in the morning.

McCoy pulled a pillow over his head and tried to drown out the loud throbbing music and shouts of people filtered up from the party 2 floors below.  He was unsuccessful.

Noise wasn’t the only reason McCoy couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t stop thinking about Kirk. He knew something was wrong with his friends and the frustrating thing was that he couldn’t figure out what it was. McCoy had briefly considered dragging Kirk in for a physical, but he doubted the exam would reveal the answers he wanted. _Whatever was disturbing Kirk, McCoy was pretty sure it  was in the young man’s head._

To anybody else it would have seemed like Kirk had suddenly gone crazy.  But to McCoy, The seemingly random fight, nightmares that had left him screaming, panic attack during assembly and the strange way he eaten at lunch, all were clues to something else. McCoy just couldn’t figure out what. He thought back to what Kirk had said was bothering him: _the worst time in his life._

McCoy had been up for hours racking his brain trying to think of some event that was coming back to Kirk now and causing the personality disturbances. He couldn’t remember anything from the scant history he knew of Kirk’s past that would explain his behaviour. The only really awful things Kirk had ever confessed to was living with his step-dad Frank and while the details he knew were horrifying , McCoy didn’t think the man was involved in whatever was bothering Kirk.

McCoy gave up on sleep, as the noise from below intensified. He angrily pulled his covers off and reached over to his bed side table to flick on a light. He grumbled loudly to himself as he noticed the time on the chronometer by his bedside. It was 0100. McCoy swung his legs over the side of his bed and snatched a data pad from his bedside table. He stood up, stretched, padded over to a worn sofa and flopped down. If he couldn’t sleep at least he could study. _But if one of those hung-over youngsters came to him tomorrow talking about how bad he or she felt, after he was the one losing sleep because of their antics, he would hypo the offending cadet to death._ McCoy thought darkly.

He flicked through a few screens, then settled on an explanation of alien toxins. As he read the chapters he fantasised occasionally about giving a few of the non-lethal one’s to the partygoers, who were disrupting his sleep. McCoy was a few minutes into reading when he heard a sound outside his window. Several voices were shouting and as the noise increased McCoy lost the little patient he had. He walked over to his window and stared down at the courtyard below.

Five men were gathered around one person. As McCoy watched the person in the middle shouted something and lunged toward one of the people surrounding him. The male voice was vaguely familiar. The man made contact and the figure he had attacked doubled over. The man in the middle had one second to savour his victory before the fight became a free-for-all. McCoy watched as all five men attacked the lone figure. They hit him repeatedly until he either collapsed or they kicked his feet out from under him—McCoy couldn’t be sure which.

McCoy turned away as they started viciously kicking the man.  He intended to call Campus security—he didn’t know who was being assaulted, but nobody deserved the punishment the five men were heaping on the prostrate male. McCoy dropped his comm. unit as the figure that was being beat up, tried to struggle to his feet and his face came into view. It was Kirk.

“Shit“ McCoy swore, racing out his room and down into the courtyard. When he got there they hadn’t faltered in their aggression. McCoy ran toward the confrontation, still clad in his night clothes and bare feet. As he neared, Kirk moaned and struggled to stand again. Somebody stepped on the hand he was using to push himself up and then kicked him in the face.

“Stop!” McCoy shouted. The five men glanced around to see who had spoken. When they spotted McCoy one of them said “Stay out of this doc!”

McCoy didn’t back down. Each of the cadet’s was taller and bigger than him and undoubtedly younger and fitter, but that didn’t stop him. McCoy advanced on them “I said stop! You get the fuck away from him!”

Viegels glared at McCoy and said “Unless you want what he’s getting, stay out of this McCoy. Kirk’s got it coming to him! You know what he said about my girlfriend! ”

Kirk spat out a mouthful of blood then said from on the ground “I said she was a disgusting whore bitch.” Kirk didn’t get the chance to speak again, as someone kicked him in the stomach and any further comments were lost in a grunt of pain.

McCoy wished Kirk would shut the hell up. “He’s drunk. He’ll say anything--” McCoy began diplomatically.

Viegels interrupted. “That’s not the only thing he did. I caught him with my girlfriend making out and –“

Kirk coughed drawing attention temporarily back to himself. They saw he had struggled to his knees. McCoy was horrified to see blood smeared across his face, numerous lacerations could be seen and McCoy was more than willing to bet the Kirk had probably managed to fracture something. Kirk grinned and McCoy saw him wince as he stretched the injuries on his face, but the pain didn’t stop him from saying deliberately “I would have gone a whole lot farther than making out if ...She wasn’t such a disgusting whore bitch”

With a roar of fury, Viegels grabbed Kirk and dragged him to his feet. McCoy couldn’t help but wonder if Kirk had a death wish. He certainly seemed to be intentionally antagonising the man further and further. And McCoy knew that Viegels was perfectly capable of killing someone. He only had to look at the ape-like cadet to know that he was a few genes away from primitive behaviour on a daily basis. Viegels shook Kirk and shouted “You don’t know when to shut up! I’m going to kill you and have you begging to die-“

Kirk cut Viegels off and grinned again while saying “You know that’s an oxymoron. If I’m dead I can’t beg to die-- You’re very stupid I see why you and Stevens are together. ”Viegels was turning bright red, but Kirk continued “whore bitch and stupid asshole, the perfect couple.”

McCoy was sure now that Kirk had a death wish.

Viegels grabbed Kirk by the throat strangling him and lifting him a good foot in the air at the same time. He yelled at Kirk the entire time.

McCoy may have been smaller than Viegels, but he was a doctor. He had a thorough knowledge of the human body, including several vulnerable spots where the slightest application of force could cause a vastly disproportionate amount of pain. Viegels shouts were cut off in a muffled grunt of pain and the cadet released Kirk.

Viegels’ friends started toward McCoy. Kirk was forgotten for the moment. Dr. McCoy took half-a step backward, silently he was cursing Jim. Out loud McCoy said “If I was you, I’d walk away right now. I’m a doctor and one of these days, one of you meatheads will be injured. Maybe I’ll be the doctor caring for you, maybe I won’t” McCoy shrugged and continued. “but either way I know a lot of people and the Hippocrates oath can be broken.”

Viegels four friends stared at McCoy uncertainly. Viegels straightened up and glared malevolently at McCoy. “Is that a threat?”

“It’s whatever you want it to be.”

McCoy held Viegels gaze without flinching. The moment was broken as one of the other cadets said nervously “Hey, Viegels security is coming, let’s go.”

A security guard was walking briskly across the courtyard toward the gathering of cadets. Viegels glanced at McCoy then at Kirk and apparently decided that the drunken cadet lying on the ground and the irascible doctor weren’t worth risking losing his place at the academy for. He and his friends walked away after sending a last venomous glare at Dr. McCoy and Kirk.

McCoy went to Kirk. When McCoy neared Kirk cracked an eye open and looked at him.  Then he pushed himself up. Kirk looked awful.  McCoy said “What the hell is wrong with you?”

Kirk was about to answer when a voice said “What’s going on here?”

McCoy turned around to find an Andorian security guard standing behind him. McCoy recognized the man as Thelev; the Andorian had come into medical a few days for an antennae infection. Thelev saw Kirk and asked “Who did that to him?” . The Andorian answered his own question after glancing at the retreating figure of Viegels and his cronies. He turned back to stare at Kirk and muttered “I should arrest them. “  McCoy would have agreed, but Thelev continued. “Only if I did I’d have to arrest Kirk too.”

“What for? He’s the one who got his asskicked” McCoy began.

Thelev nodded and said “True, but it’s Kirk we’re talking about here and knowing him he started it.”

McCoy was silent at Thelev’s reasoning. It was perfectly sound.

Thelev continued “So, I’m going to let you take him somewhere, and I’ll pretend I didn’t see this.” With that last remark the Andorian turned and walked away.

McCoy crouched next to Kirk and the younger man looked at him and said “You see that Bones? I’m really lucky.”

McCoy was checking Kirk’s pupils and feeling for injuries, but he paused and said incredulously “Lucky? You call this lucky?”

“Yep, I’m lucky. I avoided another visit to Renfield’s office And to cap it off, you came before they managed to break anything major...I think. “

“Yeah, you’re real lucky.” McCoy said sarcastically.

He held a hand in front of Kirk’s face and asked “How many fingers is this?”

Kirk squinted, and cocked his head to the side, after a moment of deliberation he replied “five.”

Something about the way Kirk said it clued McCoy in that he was guessing. Plus, McCoy knew that Kirk was very inebriated by the smell of liquor oozing from the man’s pores and he suspected Kirk had a concussion. There was a very small probability that Kirk was seeing anything clearly.

McCoy asked “You can see that it’s five?”

“Well, No.” Kirk confessed. “But you’ve got a hand on my shoulder and it looks like you’re holding up ten. Since your whole hand is outstretched and it looks like ten, but you only have one hand free, five makes sense.”

“Damn it Jim! During a neuro exam, when you could have serious damage, is not the time to demonstrate your powers of deduction!”McCoy grabbed Kirk’s arm and began pulling him to his feet.

“Could you be a little more gentle Bones?” Kirk said wincing and looking sick at the sudden movement.

“No I can’t! I’m taking you to medical. One of these day’s you’re going to get yourself killed” but McCoy helped him up slower.

Kirk stood, swayed slightly, and started walking-- albeit in an unsteady manner. McCoy walked alongside, occasionally reaching out to correct Kirk’s course when he started to veer off.

They had left the courtyard of Nimitz hall, when Kirk slung an arm over McCoy shoulders and slurred drunkenly. “I love you Bones.”

McCoy glanced at Kirk, but something had temporarily diverted the other man’s attention.

“That’s great.” McCoy muttered trying to shift, Kirk’s arm off him. “But this is getting a little awkward.”

“Seriously Bones, I love you and it’s not awkward, I don’t love you like _that_ ” Kirk grabbed McCoy tighter.

“Jim you get really handsy when you’re drunk. Could you let me go!” McCoy irritably tried to pry Kirk’s fingers off his shoulder.

“I could but you’re holding me up right now, if you want me to do a face plant then I’ll let go” Kirk started to let go and McCoy saw that Kirk’s statement was true and quickly pulled the man’s arm back across his shoulders.

“You know why I love you Bones?”

“Because you’re drunk and –“

“No, because you’re always there for me. No matter what I do, what I say. You’re the only person that probably even gives a sh—whether I live or die. The only one” McCoy glanced at Kirk and found the young man staring at him seriously.

“Jim I’m sure other people care about you.”

“Do they? I don’t think so. At the party tonight, other cadets were there. They knew me; nobody came and tried to stop Viegels. Everybody wants something from me, people like to be around me, but they don’t care about me.”

Kirk was silent for a few moments, before saying “Bones, I’m not one to complain, but I really feel sick and hurt all over”

“And whose fault is that? You’re the one who gets drunk and walks around picking fights!”

“True, though at the time it seemed like a good idea. Now... not such much.”

McCoy grunted but didn’t respond. He and Kirk walked the rest of the way to the medical building in silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I finished an insanely hard piece of work and this is my present to myself. Hope you liked it.


	7. Chapter 7

McCoy keyed them into medical and led the way to a deserted exam room. He pulled out various hypos and other instruments from drawers and cabinets. Kirk perched on the edge of an exam bed and watched McCoy. McCoy was repairing Kirk’s ribs when he asked the question Kirk knew was coming. “Why did you start a fight with Viegels?”

Kirk said “I didn’t”. He avoided McCoy’s gaze feeling for all the world like a little boy about be chastised. Kirk may not have directly started the fight, but he had done nothing to end it. He knew that he shouldn’t have insulted Stevens the way he had, but the things she had said made him so angry that if she hadn’t been a female he would have attacked her with such ferocity that his earlier fight with Trudeau would have seemed like horseplay in comparison. 

McCoy said “Jim, then tell me how—“

Kirk knew what McCoy was about to say. The words spilled out against Kirk’s will, liquor had loosed his tongue. He desperately wanted somebody to know and at the same time wanted to take the secret of Tarsus IV to the grave. He made a tight fist allowing his fingers nails to bite into his palm and muttered “You didn’t hear what she said.”

“Who?”

“Stevens! You didn’t hear what she said!”

“I don’t care what she said. Listen to yourself! “ McCoy slammed a hypo spray down and glared at Kirk. “You have to get control of yourself! You-“

Kirk cut McCoy off. “She agreed with Trudeau!” .He saw the confusion on the doctor’s face, but didn’t bother to explain.

McCoy asked. “What the hell does Trudeau have to do with this? We’re discussing your lack of self-control and lunatic behaviour. You’re going to-”

Anger rose in him, like a serpent about to strike. Kirk slid off the exam table and prowled the room. He wanted to destroy something. He wanted to do anything that would make him feel better.  Kirk didn’t speak. He knew if he talked, he would say something that later he would regret.

McCoy was still speaking. “Jim, you’re not making any sense and you’re acting like you’re psychotic! I think—“

Kirk turned around and yelled. “You know what maybe I am. I’m fucking crazy” He laughed and continued shouting “but this isn’t about me. This is about that bitch Stevens. She said Trudeau was right! And the thing that really bothered me was she meant it. How many others think the same thing? How many think like her? They don’t understand it’s not right! It wasn’t...“

McCoy watched as Kirk started pacing the room, while continuing his rant. McCoy was surprised nobody had come to see why so much noise was coming from the exam room. He realized after a moment of thought, most of the medical personnel which would normally have been in the building was probably at the party in Nimitz hall or asleep. Kirk was throwing stuff now and yelling. McCoy didn’t think Kirk was actually going to harm him, but he had never seen him this agitated. McCoy surreptitiously pocketed a hypospray with a sedative cartridge...just in case.

Kirk felt like he was about to explode. He grabbed a container of tongue depressors and threw it across the room. He swept a hand across a counter sending a tray of hypos skittering off the edge of the counter and across the floor. Wave after wave of rage swept through him. It wasn’t fair, it had never been fair. He was one of the Tarsus 9, one of the few survivors that had made it off Tarsus IV. He didn’t feel like a survivor; if he could he would have given his life and allowed any one of the people that he had watched die take his place. They deserved to live, not him. And the more he thought about it he realized he had never made it off Tarsus IV. His body had, but his mind was still on the streets soaked with blood, the caves filled with voices of long dead children, and the cells of Kodos’ compound.

Kirk wanted to laugh, cry, shout, and fight all at the same time. Faces flashed through his mind. He grabbed a pack of laser scalpels and flung them at the wall. One turned on and sliced the back of his hand, but he didn’t care. He turned to McCoy and shouted “It wasn’t right! You have to understand! How could it be right?” Kirk was shouting so loud his voice was becoming hoarse.

McCoy watched Kirk destroy the exam room, and recognized a person who had lost their already tenuous grasp on control.

Kirk saw the concern in McCoy’s face, and turned away.  He placed his hands on a counter and leaned his head against a cabinet, as a rush of memories engulfed him.

_… A little girl was nestled in his lap; her gasping breaths filled the air. Finally she quieted enough to ask “What does J. T. stand for?”_

_He answered “the J is for James.”_

_“And the T?”_

_He hesitated “I don’t tell anybody the T, if they knew they’d laugh.”_

_The little girl looked solemn as she promised “I won’t laugh”_

_He had finally told her. She didn’t laugh. He wished she had; he wouldn’t have minded if she laughed. He wished her laughing was the last memory he had of her alive…_

_…walking in with a sack of scrounged supplies to find a group of children tussling in the middle of the floor. Discovering the argument was over what to name a baby that wasn’t theirs to name anyway…._

_…A small baby lying on a blanket. He tickled its feet and delighted giggles filled the air. For those few minutes, he had felt like the child he was and not the adult he was forced to become…_

_….Sitting next to Carla. He slipped a hand in hers and brushed away the tears on her face. She smiled, their faces were very close. Carefully he leaned closer and gave her a kiss…_

Kirk opened his eyes. As quickly as the anger had come it had fled leaving behind utter misery. There were tears in Kirk’s eyes when he turned back to McCoy. He said “It wasn’t right. They had ever right to live. Sevek, Carla, Ligan, Sami, little Dina, A-Ace and all the others. Did they deserve to die Bones?” Tears were streaming down Kirk’s face now.

McCoy was very disturbed with the sudden mood change. He was watching his friend have a breakdown.

Kirk slid to the ground. He could feel hot tears running down his cheeks. His breath was coming in wrenching sobs. He knew McCoy was watching him and probably thought he had lost it, but he didn’t care. All that mattered was that no understood... no one seemed to care. Kirk couldn’t even find the energy to feel embarrassed as his shoulders hitched in sobs.

McCoy hesitated then came over and crouched by Kirk. A disturbing thought filtered into the doctor’s mind. _Kirk had started acting bizarre after the discussion of Tarsus IV… Could he be one of the Tarsus 9?_ McCoy shook his head, dismissing the thought. It couldn’t be true. It would have made no sense for Kirk to be one of the Tarsus 9.  McCoy was sure he would have discovered the truth by now, or there would have been some hint if that were the case.

McCoy had taken samples of Kirk’s blood on the chance that Kirk was suffering from some toxin or microbe that was seriously altering his mental state. However, something told the doctor that the line of research would turn up nothing. Whatever was bothering Kirk was mental not physical. McCoy tried again to discover the truth. “Jim what are you talking about? Who are those people?”

Kirk was crying silently. He had drawn his knees up to his chest and was rocking back and forth slightly. McCoy waited in silence for several minutes before Kirk responded. “They were my crew. My responsibility.” Kirk looked up into McCoy’s eyes and said “I failed them all, every one of them. I tried so hard and in the end nothing mattered. They died and I lived. I killed them.”

McCoy didn’t know what to say. He stared at Kirk trying to decipher what his friend was talking about. Only two answers presented themselves to the doctor. Either Kirk was caught up in some deluded belief brought on by a concussion and/or the amount of liquor he had consumed. Or Kirk was telling the truth and there was something in his past that he was trying very hard to run away from.

McCoy knew Kirk’s history very briefly. Most of the events he knew had trickled out during drunken episodes or very occasionally when Kirk would suddenly become reflective and drop a remark that meant so much more than it seemed to. McCoy knew of Kirk’s less than stellar life before Starfleet and the years he had with his Stepfather Frank, but nothing McCoy could think of correlated with what Kirk was talking about. McCoy had never heard any of the names mentioned tonight. He didn’t know of any situation in which his friend had been responsible for several people dying.

Kirk sat on the cold floor of the wrecked exam room ignoring McCoy’s attempts to garner more information. Kirk couldn’t believe he had told as much as he had to the doctor, but the scab of the memories and emotions from Tarsus IV had already been picked off by the discussion in Relik’s class and alcohol had opened the wounds anew rather than numbing the pain.

Finally McCoy stopped questioning Kirk and instead sat back and watched him. After a few minutes McCoy pulled him to his feet. Without a word, Kirk followed McCoy back to the diagnostic table and let the doctor finishing repairing the rest of his body.

McCoy sealed the last laceration, then passed Kirk a fresh shirt and started putting the equipment that was scattered across the room away. McCoy tidied up as best he could, then with a hypospray in hand, came back to the exam table where Kirk was still perched.

Kirk surreptitiously wiped the tears off his face. He had regained enough control of himself that he was starting to feel extremely embarrassed with his actions. Kirk glanced nervously at the hypo McCoy was holding and said “What’s in that Bones?” Kirk wouldn’t have been surprised if as a result of his behaviour McCoy had decided to give him an anti-psychotic medication.

McCoy adjusted the dial on the hypo and said “A sedative Jim. You need sleep. I’ll give you this shot, and then you’re going back to your room and getting some rest. Your roommate isn’t there and it’ll be quiet. A good night’s sleep is—“

Kirk cut him off. He knew it was childish but he said it anyway. “No I’m not. I’m not going to sleep and I’m not taking the shot.”

“Jim you’re getting the shot!”

Kirk slid off the exam table and backed away from the hypo McCoy was brandishing. “I’m not” Kirk repeated. Kirk knew that if he took the shot and went back to his room, he would be alone.  In the emptiness, by himself, memories from his past would come and take over. He would fall into a deep sleep, a sleep with dreams. There would be nobody to awaken him when the dreams started that were as real and as horrible as his life had been.

Nightmares weren’t the only reason he didn’t want to be alone. Alone meant death and pain. Most of the time he had gone out forging for supplies he had been alone and every time he had come back, he feared finding out that he was alone for good. The last time he had left, he had returned to find out his fears had come true.  He had been alone for days in a cell, with only sporadic appearances by interrogators to break the solitude and when he had finally gotten out everybody was gone.

McCoy moved closer to give Kirk the hypo and Kirk scooted out the way putting the diagnostic himself and the doctor.  As Kirk backed away from him McCoy was reminded of the times he had to give Joanna medicine that she refused to take.

McCoy glared at Kirk. “Jim stop acting like a child and get over here, before I call security and have you—“

“Okay, I’ll take it Bones, but” Kirk paused, and then rushed on. “Do I have to go to my room to sleep? There’s nobody there. I could stay in one of the medical rooms here, I have a concussion right? Shouldn’t I be observed? And I really don’t feel too well I might be catching something. Or maybe I—“

“What the hell are you talking about?” McCoy watched Kirk floundering as he came up with excuses to stay in the medical building. He couldn’t figure out what had gotten into the younger man. Usually he would do anything he could to avoid coming to medical and to leave as soon as possible. Kirk wasn’t one to want to stay in sickbay if he had a choice. McCoy realized the answer a second before Kirk blurted it out.

The words tumbled out “I-I-I don’t want to be alone.” There he had said it; Kirk looked away from McCoy and stared at the ground. He waited for the doctor to start asking him a myriad of questions. After several minutes of silence, Kirk glanced up. McCoy was staring at him with a look that was all to piercing and knowing for Kirk’s liking.

McCoy held Kirk’s gaze, then turned away and muttered gruffly “You can stay on the couch at my place tonight. My roommate’s gone now and probably will be all night.” McCoy added “It makes more sense anyway. After I give you this shot you probably won’t be able to make it back to your room and Nimitz hall is closer. Plus, with your concussion overnight observation make sense.”

Kirk could tell a lot of what McCoy had said was to alleviate the embarrassment Kirk was feeling.  He was grateful McCoy didn’t ask him anymore questions.

Without another word, McCoy gave Kirk the hypo. Then they left Medical and made it back to Nimitz hall. In McCoy’s room Kirk collapsed onto the couch and pulled a worn blanket over himself. He was asleep within minutes of lying down. McCoy sat on the edge of his bed, stared at his friend’s sleeping form, and thought about what he had learned that night. Earlier McCoy had thought of Kirk as one of the Tarsus 9 then immediately dismissed the thought. Now the same thought ran through his mind and this time he didn’t dismiss it so easily.

McCoy turned out the light, and tried to go to sleep. Sleep was hard to come by, he stared at the ceiling and thought. _As much as he didn’t want to see it the signs were pointing towards something he didn’t even see how it could be possible and didn’t want to be true._


	8. Chapter 8

Kirk woke to an agonizing headache and soreness throughout his entire body. He groaned, rolled over, and nearly toppled to the floor. He opened his eyes squinting at the light and glanced around. He was on a couch and his surroundings were vaguely familiar.  Kirk was trying figure out where he was when a voice rang out “Good you’re awake.”

Kirk started but McCoy has already come into view. The doctor was sipping a cup of coffee and dressed already. Kirk realized where he was. He sat upright and asked “What am I doing here?”

McCoy didn’t answer at first; instead he grabbed a mug of coffee off a cluttered table and passed it to Kirk.  He avoided Kirk’s questioning gaze and said “You remember any of last night?”

Kirk took a swallow of coffee and replied “I remember you coming when Viegels and his cronies were trying to kill me, after that it’s hazy.”

McCoy didn’t speak but his face looked awkward. Kirk sensed there was something he wasn’t telling him,  and a cold pit formed in his stomach. _Was McCoy looking at him strangely because he knew? Was that pity in his gaze?_

“What happened last night?” Kirk asked apprehensively. “Why am I here?”

McCoy took another swallow of coffee before answering. “You’re here because—“ McCoy changed mid sentence and said “You truly don’t remember?”

Kirk shook his head; His apprehension was growing, with every awkward pause McCoy took.

“Well—we went to medical; they had beat you up pretty bad. – and I asked you why you started the fight. You started ranting and throwing stuff.” McCoy paused and cleared his throat. “Then you –uh--started talking about these people that had died and how it was your fault and then you began to –um” McCoy broke off and deliberately took a large swallow of his coffee, thereby sparing him from further comment. After a moment he continued. “You –were—you got really upset. So –I—uh-- brought you back here because you needed a sedative and you looked like you had a concussion.”

Kirk’s face was burning with embarrassment. Now that McCoy had refreshed his memory, he remembered the rest of the night quite clearly.  He tried to tune out the thoughts of crying like an idiot and almost begging not to be alone.

McCoy spoke “Jim, I know you don’t want to hear this, but if you have any more repeats of yesterday, you could wind up being expelled or losing any chance at captaincy.”

Kirk shifted restlessly and said “Bones I was stressed by exams and everything. I didn’t feel well. Relik and Trudeau pissed me off and Viegels is an a—hole.”

There was silence in which McCoy watched Kirk carefully. Then the doctor asked “Who were those people you were talking about yesterday?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about Bones” Kirk lied.

“Yesterday, you said a few names—Ligan—Dina—some others. Who were they?”

“I was drunk Bones, honestly I can’t remember mentioning any names” Kirk was perfectly straight-faced as he continued. “And if I did I was probably making it up.”

McCoy narrowed his eyes. “For people you made up, you were pretty upset—“

Kirk swallowed the rest of his coffee and stood up. He spoke, cutting McCoy off. “Bones, I was drunk. Okay? Stop reading stuff into statements that don’t mean anything!” He had started off speaking calmly, now he was talking loudly.

His agitation was very noticeable. McCoy wasn’t about to let Kirk off.  “Jim, what are you hiding?”

‘God-damn it, Bones! I’m not hiding anything!” Kirk shouted. He realized he had raised his coffee mug to throw it and instead set it down on a table. McCoy was still watching him.

Kirk forced himself to calm down; he didn’t like the way McCoy was staring at him. He suspected the doctor was purposefully angering him, so he would blurt out something like he had in his drunken state the previous night.

“I’m fine Bones.” Kirk said evenly. “You don’t need to worry about me. Sometimes I swear you act like a fussy mother hen.” McCoy bristled slightly at the remark, but Kirk was already changing the subject.

Kirk said lightly “It’ll be time for xenolinguistics soon. If I’m ever going to have a chance with Uhura. I’d better get cleaned up. Smelling like a hangover and looking like I’ve been in a bar fight won’t be impressive with her high standards.”

 He walked to the door. Right before he was about to leave McCoy said “Jim?”

Kirk didn’t turn around. He wasn’t weak. He didn’t need help because there was nothing wrong that he couldn’t handle. He could hold it together and he did for a while. Or so he thought. But people noticed.

XXXX XXXX

Kirk managed to get through three days of classes and campus life without a problem, mostly, by avoiding nearly everyone.

It was mid-afternoon and cadets from all over campus were packed into study halls cramming for upcoming mid-finals and finishing last-minute reports. McCoy, Uhura, Gaila, Kirk and a few other cadets were gathered together steadily working their way through the piles of assigned coursework. Kirk as usual wasn’t paying much attention or offering a good deal in the way of contribution, except to occasionally answer a question that nobody expected him to know the answer to just to be unpredictable and annoying.

He preferred to spend the time he should have been studying with his feet propped on a chair—he had taken them off the table because everybody had complained—reading a data PADD article that had very little to do with anything academically related and watching female cadets walk by.

 Kirk didn’t have a problem with studying he just didn’t feel in the mood to peruse stuffy articles to prepare for equally stuffy exams when he knew most of the answers anyway. Kirk turned his eyes up as a hint of jasmine smell wafted his way and was just in time to see a leggy blonde walk by. He gave her an appreciative once-over as he let the chatter from the study group, as they studied for a xenolinguistics quiz, wash over him.

“What’s this mean?” Gaila tried to say something and instead managed to mangle the phrase so bad it appeared she was trying to cough up a hairball.

Uhura winced at the pronunciation and said “It — “she pronounced the phrase correctly. “Means—“

Kirk cut her off. “How are you?”

Uhura glared at him. “You weren’t even studying. You waited until I was about to speak and then said the answer just to annoy me!”

Kirk grinned at her and shrugged. Uhura quietly fumed for a few seconds then deliberately ignored him. She continued “The phrase is pronounced different than usual because it’s—“

“Rigellian from the 18th century, not modern. In modern you have more of a—“ Kirk broke off midsentence then said innocently “Oh, I’m sorry Uhura was I interrupting?”

Uhura ground her teeth and refused to dignify Kirk’s behaviour with a response. Gaila had no such reservations. She batted her eyelashes at Kirk very obviously and leaned toward him.”How many languages do you know?”

“A few.” Kirk hadn’t noticed Gaila he was too busy watching two Andorian twins walk by.

He turned around, as he felt something brush his neck and almost fell off his chair. Gaila had moved her chair nearer to Kirk and was leaning so close to him she was nearly touching. She deliberately let her red hair fall onto him as she said “You’re so smart and I don’t understand this at all. You could come to my room later and _tutor_ me, I’m sure the experience would be _beneficial_ to us both.”

“Uh—actually –I don’t know much Rigellian at all” Kirk said nervously scooting his chair away from Gaila.

Gaila said “That’s okay; you can teach me… anything.”

“I wouldn’t have time—I –um—“ Kirk floundered while throwing alarmed looks at Uhura. Gaila, with her Orion ancestry was one of the few girls on campus that Kirk was afraid of. And for good reason, people that had _encounters_ with Gaila weren’t quite the same afterwards.

The other female that Kirk was afraid of watched him squirm uncomfortably for a minute or two, as Gaila moved even closer and draped herself across him, before intervening. Uhura laughed at the expression on Kirk’s face and said “Gaila, we’re studying this isn’t a nightclub.”

Gaila trailed a hand over Kirk’s chest then sighed and turned back to her data PADD. Kirk relaxed a fraction and surreptitiously shifted his chair farther away from the Orion woman. McCoy was trying to contain his laughter at his friend’s obvious discomfort. Kirk shot him a dirty look and went back to reading. 

The group returned to studying and continued for several minutes on track. Until McCoy grumbled “I don’t care how many glottal stops there are in this phrase or which consonant should be enunciated. I’m a doctor not a linguist.”

“Everyone should have a rudimentary grasp of basic phrases and be able to passably pronounce them” Uhura began. “Even with universal translators, they may not work and sometimes life and death hang in the balance on a few words spoken correctly. In diplomatic relations it’s best to speak a few words of the opposite party’s language to demonstrate goodwill.”

“I’m a doctor not a –“

“Diplomat.” Kirk finished earning a glare from McCoy. Kirk ignored the look and decided to join in on the conversation---the flow of female cadets walking by had dried up to a trickle. “Uhura’s got a point. Linguistics are important.” Kirk turned to Uhura. “But you’re being unfair, everybody can probably passably pronounce certain words, but none have the skill you do” Uhura’s eyebrow quirked in an almost Vulcan way as she waited for the rest of Kirk’s comment and knew it would be another one of his annoyingly flirtatious remarks,

Kirk didn’t disappoint. “Nobody has a voice as beautiful as yours. I could listen to you say anything.” He continued because he knew he was irritating her. “Your voice is like that of a goddess. Your words are angel’s songs. Your—“

Uhura cut off Kirk’s further comments, by remarking dryly “ _Your_ words are leaving me in danger of throwing up.”

Kirk quipped promptly “I’m sure you’d make that sound good too.”

Uhura scowled. She decided not to speak further, any comments she made only fed into Kirk’s plans for shamelessly flirtation. She shifted McCoy’s notes on flimsies off her data PADD and cut off Kirk’s next statement with “We’re mostly done with studying for the Xenolinguistics quiz. Let’s study something else. “

Gaila suggested “How about that paper for ethical/psychology it’s due soon and I haven’t started any of it.” There was agreement from the whole study group except for Kirk.

Data PADDs were opened to the appropriate screens. McCoy pulled out his binder with scrawled notes and everybody was soon immersed in debate. Kirk tried to tune out, but comments still filtered in. Kirk was relieved to hear none of the cadet’s in the study group spouting any views that resembled Trudeau’s or Viegels. After a while he even felt comfortable adding a few points to the conversation. They worked on the first part of the paper and while Kirk could easily list numerous reasons why Kodos was wrong, Kirk made no attempt to even begin to think of a justification for the man’s actions. The reasoning that the others came up with was incredibly weak.

Eventually the conversation turned to the survivors of Tarsus IV—the Tarsus 9. Kirk was less willing to provide input in this aspect of the conversation and let the others work on that part by themselves. He had zoned out most of the conversation, until  a cadet named Shrilk said “I keep thinking how the Tarsus 9 managed to live and they were the only survivor’s out of thousands dead. It got me thinking, that maybe they weren’t _survivors_. Maybe Kodos let some of them live.”

Kirk straightened up and listened closely. The cadet who had spoken continued “Isn’t it odd that Kodos missed those nine. Out of thousands,  nine people he couldn’t kill. It’s strange.”

“Your point is?” Uhura asked

Shrilk said “Well, am I the only person who thinks the Tarsus 9 might have sold out other people somehow or given Kodos some info he wanted so they could live? It doesn’t make sense Kodos let them live for nothing.”

Kirk couldn’t believe what he was hearing. _He hadn’t sold anybody out and he had the scars to prove it. Kirk was sure none of the other survivors had either; they had survived by basically the luck of the draw. To say anything else was to insult the Tarsus 9 and the numerous people that had died on Tarsus IV._

“I guess it’s conceivable, but if they did can you blame them?” Gaila responded.

McCoy interjected “Self-preservation is one of the highest objectives of almost every sentient creature.”

Kirk stared. _Now, McCoy was agreeing with them?_

Uhura said “it’s possible but I don’t think they’d do that. Imagine the survivor’s guilt if you had lived and betrayed numerous people to save your life.”

“I think they did betray other people and that’s the angle I’m going with” Shrilk said somewhat aggressively.

“You do that” Uhura said turning away with a hint of disgust on her face.

Kirk listened as another cadet agreed that the Tarsus 9 were traitors. Soon a heated debate broke out.  Kirk didn’t join in. He was trying to figure out whether he could safely exit without drawing attention to himself.

Gaila asked him a question drawing him back into the conversation and putting him in the spotlight. “Jim, what do you think? Did the Tarsus 9 betray other colonists and that’s why Kodos spared them?”

Everybody was waiting for his answer. Kirk swallowed his mouth was dry. When he spoke his voice cracked at first and he had to start again. “The Tarsus 9 didn’t betray anybody. And Kodos didn’t spare them. We-they survived by their own wits and barely scrapping by until Starfleet came.”

Why was everybody staring at him? After a moment the cadet who was stuck in the belief that the Tarsus 9 were traitors snorted said “That would have been really moving and made me change my point of view if… It’s wasn’t based solely on crap! This is all pure speculation; my point is just as probable as yours.” Shrilk glanced around the table and then back at Kirk and continued “I’m not one of the Tarsus 9; you’re not one of the Tarsus 9, right?”

It was a rhetorical question and Kirk knew it, but he answered anyway “Right.”

The cadet continued “So neither of us is qualified to talk about what we think happened like we’re an expert.”

Kirk didn’t speak. He wanted desperately to leave the table. He forced himself to stay in his seat, if he left now McCoy would look at him weird and start bothering him again. The doctor had only stopped trying to pick his mind a day ago. 

McCoy said “We may not know what happened but there’s no need for you to be rude about it.”

Shrilk ignored McCoy and instead tapped his data PADD calling up a holographic projection of images. A map flashed in the air and the cadet was narrating as he called up images. “I studied up. Kodos systematically destroyed villages. In a concentric pattern starting at the outer edge. Here--” He pointed at a series of rings. “And tightening the metaphorical net until he had gotten inward. That left little room to escape.” The cadet called up another series of images this one of a pile of corpses. “He strafed the areas with disruptor fire and used chemical weapons.” More pictures flashed across the screen. Each more gruesome than the next. 

“After that he sent in troops to finish off any survivors.” Shrilk continued. More pictures flashed across the screen. This time one of the pictures was of a little boy Kirk had known at the start of the famine. He had never found out what happened to the child, now he knew. He felt bile rise in his throat as he saw the tiny maimed body.

The cadet was still speaking as he continued his slide show. “Now tell me how anybody survived that if they weren’t allowed to live!”

“We get your point, there’s no need to continue with your gallery of butchery.” McCoy said.

Uhura nodded in agreement, appearing thoroughly revolted.

Kirk stood up and grabbed his bag off the floor. He had to leave, no matter what everybody said. The other cadets glanced at him and the one showing the slide show said “where you going?”

“I—uh –forget something and I—“ Kirk couldn’t think of a lie his mind was too appalled by what he had seen.

Uhura noticed how pale he was and asked in a concerned way “You don’t look so good. You okay?”

“I’m –um—fine.”

“I know what his problem is” Shrilk said. Kirk didn’t know how the man could possibly know, but he felt his stomach turn cold anyway as he waited for the cadet’s next words. “He’s squeamish, a little blood and guts and macho drunken-womanizing-Kirk- who fights at the drop of a hat, turns into a freaking pansy.” The cadet laughed “wait till everybody else hears about this, there goes your rep Kirk!”

McCoy and several other cadets regarded the laughing Shrilk with intense distaste. Uhura reach over and snatched his data PADD off the centre of the table, clicking the gory images off.

Kirk didn’t care whether anybody thought he was squeamish, or what stories the other cadet said about him. He had to get out of there. Without another word, he left the study hall. He could feel the others eyes boring into his back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved writing the middle part of this chapter with Kirk and Uhura, the opportunities of dialogue between those two is endless fun.


	9. Chapter 9

Kirk went outside and sat underneath one of the trees littering the courtyard and tried to get his thoughts under control. An hour later when it was time for his next class he still hadn’t accomplished his goal. He went to class, failed the test they had horribly, and received a talk from the professor. He left and went to another class, zoned out during the lecture, until he overheard a cadet next to him saying that Tarsus IV wouldn’t have gone so badly if some of the colonists had recognized they had to die and willingly surrendered themselves. Kirk waited until class was over, and then attacked the cadet in one of the bathrooms where there were no witnesses, leaving him unconscious.

Kirk skipped lunch, ate an enormous quantity at dinner until he became sick. He cursed out McCoy when the doctor followed him to the bathroom and questioned his behaviour. And culminated the night by getting  extremely drunk and spending it with a girl he didn’t even know the name of.

As the time to turn in the assignment neared, debates on campus became more frequent and Kirk’s days and nights became worse and worse. He was out of control. He knew it and didn’t care. He stayed away from McCoy and his other friends, instead he hung out with a group off campus, and the activities they engaged in were incredibly reckless and almost suicidal. Kirk filled long sleepless nights with alcohol, violence and women.

It was a week and a half before Relik’s assignment was due to be turned in, when everything came to a head.

 Kirk was in the middle of a group of bystanders repeatedly sinking his fists into the face and body of a cadet who had insulted the Tarsus 9. Kirk couldn’t even remember what the man had said he just knew it was an insult.

Kirk was furious, but it wasn’t only anger that was fuelling the violence. It also was half-craziness brought on by sleep deprivation and being half-drunk even though it was the middle of the day.

The cadet Kirk was attacking had taken the first swing, but only after Kirk had called him every insult known to man and a few that he had improvised. The group of cadets gathered around hadn’t heard the exchange. They had only seen the punch thrown and the vicious fight that ensued.

At the moment Kirk had the upper hand and was pummelling the prostrated cadet into near unconsciousness, earlier he had been getting his ass handed to him. However, the other cadet had made the mistake of stopping his assault when Kirk went down. Kirk may have been nearing unconsciousness at that point but he was still violently angry and when the man leaned down to offer him a hand up, Kirk had surged upwards, head butting the cadet .He followed through with a blow to the Adam’s apple that left the cadet gasping for air. After that Kirk didn’t let up.

He wasn’t sure if he would have stopped until the man was dead, if four security guards hadn’t intervened. They dragged Kirk off and restrained him. Then two of them helped the almost unconscious cadet to his feet. Kirk saw with a hint of satisfaction that the man’s face bore more than a passing resemblance to ground meat.

The security guards didn’t speak as they each took one of Kirk’s arms and steered him towards medical, ignoring his protests. Two of them were helping the other cadet as he did his best to walk.

When Kirk got to medical. He and the other cadet were led into separate exam rooms. The guards stood in front of the door and watched Kirk carefully. He knew he was in trouble but a large part of him didn’t care.

Seconds after Kirk had set down on the edge of a diagnostic bed, McCoy barged into the room. The doctor took one look at his friend, who was bloody, battered and restrained and said “shit!”

He grabbed several implements from a counter and hurried over. He told the guards to release the restraints and reluctantly they did so. McCoy then had Kirk lay down and activated the diagnostic bed. A scanner ran over Kirk and then a 3-d image of Kirk’s body appeared mid-air above the bed.

McCoy examined the scan noting the spots that were highlighted in angry yellow on the bluish image.  He slammed a hypo down on the edge of the bed and glared at Kirk. “Your liver and spleen are bruised, you had some bleeding in your abdomen that’s since stopped, several fractured ribs, a hairline fracture to your jaw, two dislocated fingers, a broken thumb, a periorbital fracture, a skull fracture and a concussion.” McCoy finally stopped for breath. If looks could have killed Kirk would have been dead now.

“I didn’t quite get all the terms, but I’m going to take a guess from the way you look like you’re about to lay an egg and say all that’s pretty bad.” Kirk said nonchalantly, putting his hands behind his head and yawning.

McCoy face was bright red as he yelled. “Damn it Jim! This isn’t funny. What the hell is wrong with you? Were you trying to get yourself killed?”

“No.”

“Say it so I believe it, because I sure as hell don’t right now!”

“I wasn’t—“

McCoy ignored Kirk and turned to the guards. “Could you two wait outside?”

They glanced at each other. Then one said “Uh, doctor we’re supposed to watch him and make sure he doesn’t attack anybody else”

“He’s not going to attack me.” McCoy said.

The guards didn’t look like they agreed. McCoy reassured them that it was fine to leave him alone with Kirk and finally one of the guards said “Okay we’ll wait outside, but if he starts anything, just yell and –“

Kirk sat upright and glared at the guards. “Stop talking about me like I’m not here. I can damn well hear what you’re saying. You should be happy I don’t get up and knock both you assholes—“ Kirk had swung his legs over the side of the bed.

“Jim stop.” McCoy said laying a hand on his friend’s shoulders.

Kirk shrugged it off, but fell silent. The guards glanced at McCoy again, and the doctor gave a nod indicating they still should leave.

McCoy waited until the guard had left, then asked “What was it this time?”

“The same as always. They won’t shut their fucking mouths!”

“They won’t shut their mouths about what?”

“I’m not answering your god-damn questions” Kirk said glaring at McCoy.

“Just tell me.”

“Bones, I’m going to tell you this _nicely._ Fuck off!”

McCoy regarded him for a moment in silence then said “Do you have a death wish?”

“What kind of question is that? Do I have a death wish? Of course I don’t.”

“Then why do you keep doing this. You’re picking fights at random, carousing all night, doing any reckless behaviour you can think of. I day ago I heard you almost crashed the other day while illegally racing an air skimmer.”

Kirk didn’t deny it. “How did you find out about that?”

“One of the people you hang out with is the brother of a doctor I know.”

“Hmm, small world” Kirk responded carelessly as he examined his dislocated fingers.

“Small enough that people are noticing your behaviour. Me in particular and I want to know what’s going on!” McCoy waited for Kirk to respond. When he didn’t answer, McCoy started his questioning anew.

XXXX XXXX

Kirk was staunchly refusing to answer McCoy‘s questions for what felt like the fifteenth hundred time, when he stopped midsentence as three people entered sickbay. McCoy swung around to see what had caught Kirk’s attention.

A grey-haired woman, flanked by the two security guards was walking directly toward Kirk. The woman, Renfield, stopped in front of Kirk. Kirk eyed her and the two security guards nervously. McCoy saw Kirk take a deep breath then he put on the fakest smile McCoy had ever seen and said “I’m flattered that—“

“Quiet Kirk” Renfield cut in. By her tone Kirk knew he was in serious trouble. He shut up.

Renfield didn’t mince words she cut to the point. “Your behaviour around campus this past week and a half has been deplorable. You’ve started numerous fights, insulted professors, not to mention numerous other incidents. “She continued “These events have been at random, the fights have been unprovoked, all—“

“Unprovoked!” Kirk yelled angrily.

“Yes, Kirk unprovoked and I believe I told you to shut up.”

“They weren’t unprovoked. Do you _know_ what they said?”

Renfield watched him for a moment then said “What did they say?”

Kirk was at a loss, he couldn’t exactly tell her without explaining a lot more then he wanted to. So he said “They said some stuff I couldn’t just let them say.”

“You couldn’t just let them say? So you plan to attack everybody that says something you don’t like?” Renfield shook her head. “You’re –“

“I plan to stop everybody that feels the need to talk about things they don’t know a shit about! And that’s almost everybody on this damn campus. They’re all saying stuff and you know what? They’re doing it deliberately!” Kirk was yelling very loud now.

Renfield’s eyes widened.

Kirk slid of the diagnostic bed and jabbed a finger in Renfield’s direction. “If everybody was saying stuff just to anger you, you’d be mad too! You wouldn’t be walking around talking about fights being fucking unprovoked, like some god damn saint!  So, yes I’m going to fucking attack them!”

“Jim, stop you’re not thinking rationally.”

Kirk rounded on McCoy “You stop! I’ve been walking around this campus and everywhere I go somebody is saying something. I can’t get any peace!” He turned back to Renfield. “Answer me. If you were in my position wouldn’t you be mad?”

Renfield replied quietly “ _If_ I was in your position. But Kirk everybody _is not_ deliberately provoking you.”

Kirk stared at her in disbelief then said “Damn you’re an idiot!”

“Jim, calm down! You—“

“Shut up Bones!” Kirk snarled. He turned back to Renfield who was watching him with a detached air. “This is what I’m talking about. Nobody is paying attention! Everybody is saying whatever they want and I’m not standing for this shit! I’m not letting them disrespect everybody.”

“What dis—“

Kirk over talked her. “They died and everybody is laughing and joking. They weren’t there they don’t know. You weren’t there, you don’t know! You’re just as dumb as everybody else.”

“Jim you’re going too far.” McCoy turned to Renfield “Ma’am, I think he’s stressed and he—“

Kirk rounded on McCoy and shouted “I said shut the fuck up!” He shoved the doctor hard enough to slam him into the diagnostic bed.

The security guards were moving closer. One of them Kirk realized was Viegels friend. The man had a small smile on his face.

“He’s smirking! This fucking idiot is smirking!” Kirk shouted. “You don’t laugh it’s not funny. None of this is funny.” Kirk lunged toward the guard. A hand caught the back of his shirt dragging him back. Kirk struggled to get free. The guards tried to restrain him and Kirk fought them and whoever was else still holding him.

Finally they got him subdued. Kirk stood there panting in restraints. McCoy had a dark bruise on one side of his face where Kirk had struck him. One of the security guards had a broken nose and the other, a black eye.

Renfield’s expression was pitying as she said “Kirk you are hereby placed on suspension until you have a psych eval.”

“I’m not crazy!” Kirk shouted.

Renfield continued “Your behaviour has caused the faculty to question whether you are fit to be a member of Starfleet and even your sanity.”

“What? There’s nothing wrong with me!”

McCoy spoke. “She’s right. Jim, you won’t talk to me, but something’s going on and you need to talk to somebody.”

Kirk twisted to look at McCoy. “You agree with this? I’m not crazy!”

“Nobody’s saying you are, but this is what you need. Jim you’re not getting over whatever’s bothering you, you’re getting worse.”

“There’s nothing wrong.”

“There’s a lot wrong. You haven’t been sleeping; you’re skipping meals then eating in crazy binges. You’re half-drunk right now. You had several fights in the past few days alone, to name a few things that are wrong.”

Kirk stared at McCoy.

McCoy continued quietly. “I’m not doing this to hurt you. Some of the faculty came to ask me what was going on and a few of them wanted you to be expelled. Me and some others suggested a psych evaluation instead.”

“You knew they were going to do this?”

“I knew they were going to evaluate you? Yes.”

“I don’t want some quack picking around in my mind.” Kirk yelled.

“You might not want it but you need it.” McCoy said simply.

The sense of betrayal was so palpable; Kirk felt it cut through him like a knife.

Kirk said coldly “McCoy don’t ever speak to me again. Don’t even come near me.” He turned away from his friend’s protests and told Renfield “I’m not going to have a psych eval.”

“Kirk you have no choice. Either you submit to the evaluation or you face expulsion.” Renfield said.

Kirk thought about telling her to take a hike, but he wasn’t going to give all the people who wanted him gone the satisfaction. “Fine, I’ll do it” he said.

Renfield nodded. She watched him a moment longer then said “if you feel like you can restrain yourself from attacking anybody, I’ll have the guards release you.”

Kirk gritted his teeth at the way he was being treated but he nodded. The restraints on his wrists were released, though the guards continued to hold his arms. Renfield set of and without a word Kirk and the guards followed. Kirk passed by McCoy but he didn’t even spare a glance in his once-friend’s direction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the last chapter a commenter mentioned that ***bleeping** out the swear words was distracting. on another site they have a bit more prudish policy on swearing and the many uses of swearing in this story would have warranted a higher rating so for that site I censored myself. Now while in real life I never swear, I feel that the characters in this story and the situation would definitely lead to some colourful language. In short this chapter and this entire story will eventually be uncensored.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had some comments about this particular scene in the past and so I would like to make this little disclaimer statement. This is not meant to depict a real-life therapy session and indeed is rather antagonistic to be of much good. So please, keep that in mind when you're reading that this wasn't intended to insult anybody in the psychiatric profession. Thanks

The man flicked a through a few screens on a data pad and said “You have an exceptionally high IQ, genius level really.” He glanced at the young man sitting opposite.

Kirk didn’t say a word.

The man continued. “Your father was the famous George Kirk, who died saving over 800 lives, including yours. Your mother got remarried to the man who became your stepfather Frank. Your brother left while you were still quite young. After that you seemed to have numerous run-ins with the law, culminating with you being sent to distant relatives’ off-planet at which point you appeared to stay out of trouble for a while.” The man paused and looked at Kirk watching for some sort of response. When Kirk’s face remained impassive, the psychiatrist continued. “After returning to Earth you...”

Kirk glared with intense dislike at psychiatrist summarizing his entire life. The man’s name was Theodore Ponte; he was a balding overweight middle-aged man and a psychiatrist at the academy. He was supposed to be conducting a psychiatric evaluation; so far he had asked Kirk a series of questions involving inkblots, his last dreams and even told Kirk to draw a picture of his feelings. Kirk was growing more and more irritated by the second and after Kirk had done as the psychiatrist instructed and drawn a picture of his feelings, the man had remarked at the drawing of himself being strangled, “remarkable insight into your mind.” Things had gone downhill from that in Kirk’s opinion.

Ponte finished his synopsis of Kirk’s life and asked “James, how does this make you feel?”Kirk didn’t respond. He let the venomous glare he was giving Ponte say it all.

Ponte made a note on in an old-fashioned notebook then tried another question. When Kirk gave no response to that one also Ponte sighed and said “If you continue to refuse to answer, I will be forced to fail you for lack of participation.”

Ponte repeated his last question. “How do you feel about your father?”

Kirk didn’t want to answer, but he did anyway. “I didn’t know him.”

“True, but how do you feel about him when you think about him?”         

“Nothing really. Pride maybe... I don’t know. How is this important?”

“I’m the one asking questions here Kirk.” Ponte said. He continued “So you’re ambivalent towards your father?”

“I didn’t say that!”

“I’m categorizing your initial response of nothing. What are your feelings toward your mother?”

“This is really none of your business!” Kirk began angrily.

“Answer the question.” Ponte said firmly.

“Fine!” Kirk said through gritted teeth.  “She’s my mother I love her”

Ponte raised his eyebrows at the quick response and made another note before saying. “No anger at what she did? Leaving you with your stepfather while she went on frequent trips. She didn’t treat you differently because the same day you were born your father died?  She never looked at you differently? You never felt she blamed you? None of this made you angry at her?”

“I’m not angry!”

“I didn’t say you were angry, I asked were you angry with you mother?”

“This isn’t—“

“Answer the question”

Kirk replied evenly. “No, I’m not angry with her.”

“So you don’t believe she blamed you for your father’s death? You don’t think that maybe she thought that if you hadn’t been born that day he wouldn’t have felt the need to do anything he could to ensure you lived?” Ponte arched his fingers and continued. “A part of your mother’s mind wasn’t subconsciously thinking any of this?”

“How am I supposed to know what my god-damn mother was thinking? Do you know what your fucking mother is thinking?”

Ponte ignored Kirk’s question and made notes as he told Kirk. “There was intense anger in that outburst. And the use of invectives in relationship to the word mother indicates latent anger.”

Kirk fumed.

“Let’s try some more questions. How did you feel about your stepfather?”

“What is this old home week or something?”

“Answer the –“

“I didn’t care for him.”

“Would you elaborate?” Ponte said leaning forward.

“I just didn’t like him. He was an arrogant bully and not a nice person.”

“In what way?”

“None of your—“

“James, I—“

“Okay, you want to know! He beat me. Me and Sam. Until Sam left and then it was just me and that was for years until I left. Frank was a fucking bastard! ” Kirk glared at Ponte and added sarcastically “There was anger at Frank in that response, make sure you make a note of that”

Ponte ignored the comment and responded. “And your mother didn’t intervene?”

“Not really. She said some stuff it didn’t stop.”

“How did that make you feel your mother not helping you and Frank continuing to do whatever?”

Kirk gripped the edges of his chair and said “I hate Frank. Sam wouldn’t have left if my Mom had stopped him, but she didn’t do anything.”

There was silence as Ponte made notes and Kirk breathed heavily. Ponte looked up after several minutes and said “I’d like to try some word association”

“You try whatever god-damn thing you want!” Kirk said glaring at Ponte

Ponte made another note and asked “What word springs to mind with abandonment?”

“What?”

“Abandonment, somebody not being there when you need them.”

“This is stupid!”

“Answer—“

“Anger, disappointment. I don’t know. It depends on the context.” Kirk shouted.

“Anger and Disappointment, so is that what you feel when you think of your father?”

“I didn’t mention my father!”

“But he wasn’t there when you needed him.  He was absent.”

“He wasn’t absent! He was dead!” Kirk was gripping the edges of his chair so tightly his fingers were becoming numb, but if he didn’t try to strangle the chair he was going to start strangling Ponte.

“Absent or dead you father still abandoned you.”

“Whatever.”

“It’s okay to allow yourself to feel these emotions.”

“I’m not feeling anything.”

“Because you won’t let yourself, that’s why you’re having these outbursts of anger. You can’t suppress your emotions.”

“I’m not suppressing—fine, whatever you say.”

Ponte stared at Kirk then made a note.

Kirk had had enough; he reached across and snatched the notepad Ponte was writing on from the psychiatrist. Ponte looked up in surprise, but Kirk was already flipping through the notes. Ponte spoke “James, a patient shouldn’t read their own psychiatric notes some of the things written there—“

Kirk cut him off. “Are complete and utter bullsh--!” Ponte looked slightly irritated.

Kirk continued. “Your handwriting looks like a three-year olds for god sakes. And your notes are the stupidest crap I’ve ever read!” Kirk flipped another page and read some of it aloud “Patient appears to have unresolved anger towards several family members... Issues with abandonment and lack of maternal and paternal affection are being expressed in an unhealthy manner...Anger that was expressed toward patient as a child is being re-manifested...”

Ponte stretched out a hand “I’d like those—“

Kirk threw the notebook back to Ponte and said “have your goddamn papers... I really don’t like you with your balding overweight self-righteous -stick-up-your ass self telling me what my problem is.”

“So you’re admitting you have a problem?

“I’m not admitting shit!”

Ponte looked a little ruffled but tried to pick up the thread of conversation “James your-“

“That’s another thing I don’t like.” Kirk said

“What do you not like?”

“I don’t like you calling me James!”

“Your name is James.  However would you rather I called you Jim or—“

“I’d rather you didn’t call me anything! Not James, not Jim, not Jimmy. Not fucking anything. Nothing!  You- don’t- know-me!”

Ponte made another note. Kirk sat back and fumed.  After a few minutes Ponte looked up and said “all this anger, your outbursts, unprovoked fights are all signs of ineffectual release of emotions. We need delve deeper into your feelings; I feel that’s the key at this point.”

“Yep, you’re definitely right. I need to have a temper tantrum and I’ll feel so much better.” Kirk muttered sarcastically.

Ponte ignored the remark “Before the fights what were your feelings? What were you thinking?”

“You really want to know? Okay, I was pissed off” Kirk leaned forward and snarled. “Because they were talking about things they had no right to speak of!”

“And what didn’t they have a right to speak of?” Ponte explored.

“I’m not telling you shit!”

Ponte was unperturbed. “Was it an event in your past?”

Kirk didn’t answer. Ponte continued “Something you find very disturbing now and has shaped your life more than even you realize.”

Kirk still didn’t speak.

“Something that has been brought up numerous times during the past few weeks and all around campus.” Ponte paused and said “Was it the _Kelvin_ they were discussing?”

Kirk glared at Ponte. “What does the f—kig _Kelvin_ have to do with everything? What makes you think I spend my whole day thinking about the _Kelvin_?”

“The anniversary of the _Kelvin_ is coming soon.”

“So fucking what!”

“Obviously this bothers you.”

“No, you know what bothers me. It bothers me when I have to talk to an idiot who doesn’t have a god-damn clue what he’s talking about.”  Kirk stood up and shouted.

Ponte regarded him thoughtfully. “You say that the _Kelvin_ doesn’t bother you, but that outburst was much stronger than previously and it was in response to mention of the _Kelvin_ ”

Kirk gritted his teeth and sat. He tried to clear his face. Ponte gave him the impression that he was waiting for the slightest response so he could misinterpret it and give it the meaning that he wanted.  Kirk waited a minute then said calmly “The _Kelvin_ while an unfortunate incident does not bother me.”

Ponte was silent for several minutes then said abruptly. “Thinking about all the people that died during that incident and your father dying to save over 800 people doesn’t bother you. It doesn’t bother you to imagine the despair he must have felt as life pods were destroyed and he was hoping that the one you and your mother were in survived.”

Kirk didn’t change his blank expression.

Ponte continued “It doesn’t bother you to think of all the people that never made it off that ship, their bodies twisted in grotesque forms on the decking, a myriad of different colours of blood mingling as...”

Ponte’s words dimmed as Kirk’s mind wandered back.

_He walked through what had once been a school. It appeared deserted. He wondered would a school have any supplies worth taking. Something skittered across the floor and Kirk started, his heart was beating wildly. It was just a bug it looked vaguely like an over-large Terran roach. For a wild moment Kirk thought about catching and eating it. His stomach rumbled, but it was already gone._

_He walked toward what had once been the cafeteria and opened it. A stench greeted him, and it wasn’t just the odour of half-eaten now rotten meals. He stared in horror at the sight before him._

_Bodies of teachers and children lay sprawled on the floor. The walls were riddled with disruptor blasts. On the floor putrid food lay mixed with congealed puddles of several different colours of blood..._

“It doesn’t bother you?”

Ponte’s question cut into Kirk’s flashback. Kirk answered automatically thinking of what he had just seen, he couldn’t lie. “It does.” The words were heartfelt and Kirk’s breath was coming in gasps. He glanced up but he wasn’t aware of his surroundings. “I don’t want anybody to die. I didn’t want anybody to die. And they did and I couldn’t stop it.”

Kirk’s chest felt tight, he could barely breathe. He looked around but he wasn’t seeing Ponte’s office. He was seeing the cafeteria as he walked past the dead bodies to the kitchen in the back to search for food. Ponte was staring at Kirk.

Kirk shut his eyes and whispered “I don’t want to be here.” But he couldn’t seem to leave the memory.

 “James, I understand you...”

Kirk opened his eyes and forced the memory away. Sweat coated his face, he was lightheaded and his stomach was lurching unpleasantly. He felt like he had in assembly the day he had to leave half-way through.

Ponte was continuing “You deny being affected by the _Kelvin_ but your reaction says otherwise. I think we’ve got to the bottom of what’s affecting you. You yourself admitted just now that the _Kelvin_ is bothering you.”

Kirk didn’t speak. Ponte wasn’t inside Kirk’s head so he couldn’t have known the admission had been in response to the images Kirk had seen in his mind.

Ponte placed what was supposed to be a comforting hand on Kirk’s trembling shoulder and said “I think it would be a good idea for us to stop now”

He continued “I’ll be delivering my eval with recommendations to Renfield. You can wait here” He left the office.

 Kirk was alone. He tried to calm down, but the sensations he was feeling weren’t getting any better. His heart was racing like he had just run a marathon; his uniform was soaked with sweat and any moment he felt like he was going to be sick.

He reached across and took a sip of water from a glass sitting on a table. It didn’t help. He closed his eyes and leaned downward putting his head between his legs.  He opened his eyes as a drop of sweat dripped off the tip of his nose and he saw the carpet below him. It was a multicoloured design, flecks of several different colours mingled together like.... _The pools of blood that coated the floor, darkened rusty reddish-brownish, silvers that had faded to chalky white, blues that were..._

The rest of the thought faded as acid erupted into Kirk’s mouth. He straightened up, put a hand over his mouth, quickly stumbled the few steps to a rubbish bin near Ponte’s desk and vomited. It was mostly alcohol and bile that he brought up, he had barely eaten anything in three days.

When the nausea faded, he spat to clear his mouth and pushed himself to his feet.  He unsteadily moved back to his seat and collapsed into it. Outside the room he heard the sound of Renfield and Ponte discussing him. Kirk closed his eyes and listened to the snatches of their conversation filtering through the door.

“—recommend at least three months counselling...”

“Cadet Pierce, who he attacked, had eight infractions prior. He was under review for dismissal anyway...”

“---Numerous issues are contributing to...”

“--Kirk had a clean record in the academy preceding these incidents-“

“A lot of latent anger—“

“--The _Kelvin_ was a very troubling event to him---“

Kirk didn’t want to hear anymore. He stood up and moved toward the window, where the Renfield’s and Ponte’s conversation was indistinct. He stared out, watching the cadets walking across the square below.

They were laughing, talking, and enjoying themselves. They were acting like he would have if he wasn’t so screwed up.  Kirk rested his hands on the window sill and leaned his head against the glass. He closed his eyes and slowly drifted back...

_It was late afternoon. A day earlier, he had found a tattered football in the rubble of a school. A group of kids were gathered outside a cave. He was trying in vain to explain to them how to play football. A few kids from Earth knew already, but most didn’t especially the ones that weren’t human._

_Sevek, after questioning Kirk extensively on the objective, purpose and rules of the game, had declared it was illogical. His exact words had been “illogical to risk injury, through tackling somebody in an attempt to gain subjective points and the game is a waste of valuable time and energy.”_

_Sami and an Andorian boy started arguing and what should have been a pass turned into a melee’ of kicks and punches. He had eventually managed to separate them, after a few more minutes everybody had at least some idea of what was going on. At Carla’s insistence the game became touch foot ball. It was the most ragtag game ever. When it ended there was no clear idea who had won, and they all were tired. But he would never forget the smiles on the other kids’ faces as for a few minutes they all forgot where they were and..._

“Kirk...Kirk?”

He opened his eyes and turned around. Renfield was standing behind him.

She saw his distracted look and said with a touch of irritation. “Was I interrupting something?”

“No, Ma’am.” Kirk responded, straightening up.

Renfield raised an eyebrow at his formal tone, but didn’t comment. Wordlessly she sat and gestured for him to do likewise.

Kirk sat. He didn’t feel anger, he didn’t feel irritation. He felt exhausted and drained.

Renfield spoke “I’ve discussed you with Ponte and he believed you can return to class as long as you agree to come in for counselling sessions and have no further episodes like today.”She continued “He believes your behaviour is a response to the nearing anniversary of the Kelvin _”_

Kirk didn’t speak.

She said sternly “But I’d like to hear what you have to say about your actions before I make a decision.”

She fell silent and waited for him to speak. Kirk moistened his lips. He realised that fighting people for making rude and insensitive comments about Tarsus IV wasn’t helping anything. In fact it was hurting a lot. He was in danger of losing the only thing that had given him purpose. He was in danger of losing the only thing that had given him a reason to live and not just exist: Starfleet.

Kirk couldn’t throw away his place in Starfleet. He couldn’t walk away from it no matter how much he wanted to. He had to stay, because somehow he had to justify his existence. He had to find a reason for why he had lived when so many had died. Before Pike had all but dared him to join he had lived from day to day waiting for the day when he wouldn’t have to anymore. If he left Starfleet, the rest of his life would be fast and short. One day all too soon he would wind up in a deserted alley, lying in a pool of blood as his life spilled out of him. Or his body would be twisted in the wreckage of a vehicle as he took his last drunken breaths.

“I regret my actions” Kirk began seriously. He continued “I demonstrated behaviour unbefitting a cadet in Starfleet. I showed a disregard for authority and if I was to be expelled, I would deserve it.”

Renfield frowned slightly; she had never heard Kirk repentant for anything or as serious as he was now.

Kirk continued. “But, I’m asking for a second chance.”

Renfield stared at Kirk and said “I have serious doubts whether Ponte’s _counselling_ had this effect on you but the words you said just now were the most sincere you’ve ever spoken.” Renfield added “You’re still on probation. If you step a toe out of line, I will personally draw up the paperwork expelling you.”

Kirk nodded and said “Yes, Ma’am.”

“Don’t make me regret this Kirk. Whatever differences you have with somebody, it had better not get physical.”

“Yes, Ma’am.” Kirk repeated.

There was silence as Renfield watched Kirk for a good five minutes like he was a science experiment.  Finally she shook her head and “Dismissed.”

Kirk left the office. He passed by Ponte as he left, but he didn’t say anything to the man. Kirk kept his promise. He didn’t attack anybody. He pent up the anger and instead turned it all on himself.


	11. Chapter 11

Wind was streaming in his face blowing his hair back, and making his eyes water slightly. Kirk glanced at the speedometer it read only 75mph. He pressed down on the accelerator laying revelling in the adrenalin that coursed through him as the speed increased.

It was almost pitch black outside on the deserted road he was racing down. If he crashed, nobody would find him for hours, but—Kirk glanced at the speedometer—at the speed he was going now it wouldn’t matter.  If he crashed he would be dead.

Kirk knew he should slow down, but his own recklessness and the liquor he imbibed prevented him from even considering the rational thought. He swallowed the last mouthful of a bottle of illegal Romulan ale and tossed the bottle aside. The bottle flew apart and one of the shards of it flew up and nicked his face. Then he was gone, racing past the shattered pieces of silvery blue container. A line of blood trailed down his face and a stinging sensation accompanied it as bits of grit from the road aggravated the cut. Kirk didn’t care.

It was the night before he was due to turn in Relik’s assignment and he hadn’t even started it. After the psych eval and nearly being expelled, he had outwardly changed. He didn’t fight anybody. He didn’t punish anybody for what they had said. Instead he punished himself. He started drinking a lot more than he normally would have. He barely ate and when he did it was in binges that left him sick afterwards. He lost several pounds and had an unhealthy appearance. He went through classes and the counselling sessions he was forced to attend without actually being there. Physically he was present, but mentally he was absent. Most of the time he spent in a drunken haze.

Despite his self-destructive behaviour, he still managed to keep his grades up enough, that his professors were satisfied and thought he was fine.

McCoy saw through Kirk’s attempt’s to hide what he was doing. He saw the dark shadows on Kirk’s face from sleepless nights. He smelled the odour of vomit and alcohol, the few times he ran into Kirk the morning after the younger man had passed the night trying to get drunk enough to forget. McCoy heard him crying out in his sleep when he walked past him sleeping fretfully in a secluded corner of a study hall.  He felt Kirk flinch, when he had grabbed his shoulder in attempt to make him stop so he could talk to him.  McCoy continued trying to get through to Kirk, who was doing his best to ignore the doctor.

Kirk didn’t want McCoy’s help. He was fine on his own and since his conversation with Renfield he had managed to control himself. Kirk had thought if he could get through the next day or two then the comments on Tarsus would die down and he wouldn’t be forced to remember every moment of the day. He only had to wait and not let it bother him. But with each day it was getting harder and harder to keep his anger inside.  Kirk remembered what had happened earlier.

XXXX XXXX

 He had gone to the mess hall to get something to eat. He hadn’t eaten anything in a few days, instead of food he preferred to imbibe liquor almost exclusively, and he knew that wasn’t good for his body, but he couldn’t keep anything down. Every time he tried to eat he remembered long hours searching for food while trying to avoiding being caught.  He remembered the many times he and others had been hungry and the many kids who had starved to death, and he felt sick.

 Still, he figured he would try again to eat. Throughout the day, several people had remarked on how thin he looked and Kirk had heard the comments they made about how he was ‘having a difficult time’. He hated pity.

The odour of numerous dishes both alien and human wafted through the air of the mess hall. Kirk tried not to breathe it in, he got a tray of food without paying attention to what he had gotten and found a secluded table. He stared at the pizza on his plate and took a small bite. He carefully chewed and swallowed. The taste of cheese and tomatoes coated his mouth and a memory threatened to come forward. Kirk sank his fingernails into his arm allowing the minor pain to push the thought away.  He drank a sip of water and tried to wash away the lingering taste in his mouth, but it was bringing back a conversation from long ago...

_Kirk was hunting through the shelves in a ransacked aid centre. He held a package up and examined the writing then tossed it back down as he read the alien letters. It was a package of cleaning wipes, not remotely edible. He glanced back at the Vulcan boy behind him and said “Hey, Sevek, if you could eat anything right now what would it be?”_

_“There is no point in this discussion, since our options for sustenance are very limited.”_

_Kirk shook his head and said somewhat irritably “well, humour me. Let’s hypothetically say you could have anything to eat.”_

_“Humour you? Please clarify that remark.”_

_Kirk gritted his teeth but replied “I mean... Just disregard the fact that what I’m saying isn’t an option right now.”_

_Sevek appeared to consider Kirk’s statement then he went back to hunting among the shelves for supplies. Kirk thought he wasn’t going to reply but finally the boy said “I would find a bowl of plomeek soup pleasing at the moment.”_

_“Plomeek soup? That sounds gross.” Kirk said. Sevek started to talk about the nutritional aspects but Kirk cut him off “I’m not saying that it might not be healthy and all, but I’d rather some pizza.”_

_“Pizza? What is this food’s characteristics?”_

_“It’s delicious, cheese, tomatoes....” Kirk launched into an explanation of pizza to the bewildered Vulcan boy..._

“Damn this is disgusting. It tastes like tar!”                   

  The loud comment broke Kirk out of his reverie. He glanced up in time to see a large male cadet spitting out a mouthful of food. Kirk watched as the cadet took an almost full tray of food and dumped it into a recycle slot before leaving the mess hall.  A minute later, another group of cadets walked over and dumped their half-eaten plates in also before leaving. Kirk watched in silence for ten minutes  as people threw their partially eaten food away, until he couldn’t take it anymore.

He stood up, so quickly his chair slammed backwards hitting the floor. He walked up to a group of cadets that were sitting a few tables down from him and swept their trays onto the floor. Many were left with their forks hovering in midair as they had been about to spear a bite of food. They stared at Kirk opened-mouthed. The mess hall was growing quiet as people turned to watch the scene.  Kirk turned away from the group of cadets and walked over to another table where people were eating. He threw their trays to the floor also. He went to a third table and overturned it almost knocking some cadets out of their chairs and spilling plates and bowels everywhere. There was silence in the mess hall now.

One cadet looked between Kirk and then at her tray of food which was lying on the floor and said “Why did you do that?”

“I did that because you didn’t need that.” Kirk said.

“What? I was eating, I’m hungry.”

“No you’re not. You’re not hungry.” Kirk turned around and yelled to the mess hall “None of are really hungry! I’ve been watching you and all of you eat some of your plate and you throw the rest away.” He grabbed a piece of bread off the floor where it had fallen. “You don’t know what it means to be hungry. You don’t know what that feels like. You don’t know what it feels like to be  so starved you’ll eat half-moulded food from a garbage heap  or consider whether it would be worth eating something you know you’re allergic to and will make you half-sick just so your stomach will have something in it. ”

He tossed the piece of bread he was holding to the girl who had spoken and said “If you’re hungry eat that!”

“This was on the floor!”

“If you’re really hungry you wouldn’t care. So eat it or don’t tell me you’re damn hungry.” He was breathing hard; every eye was staring at him.

The girl looked close to tears, but she said quietly “So, you know what that feels like to be starving?”

Kirk realized he had come close to telling too much. He said “I—do—don’t but somewhere somebody is truly hungry and you’re all sitting here wasting food.”

Then he strode out the mess hall. Nobody tried to stop him, but he felt the stares follow him. He heard the comments that started as he left.

Kirk knew he shouldn’t have blown up like he had but he had to tell the truth, he couldn’t take holding everything in. Kirk was doing his best to drink the memories of the mess hall incident and Tarsus IV when McCoy found him, standing on a bridge over one of the academy’s reflection ponds.

“I heard what happened in the mess hall and Jim, I don’t care what the pysch eval says or how Ponte believes you’re making progress, you’re not any better, you’re worse.”

Kirk was leaning on a bridge railing staring down into the pond below. He tossed a rock into the water and took a swig from a bottle in his hand before replying “I thought you said, I needed some help? That’s why you sent me to that crackpot, right?” He turned to McCoy and sneered “What you don’t like the results?”

Kirk carelessly took another swallow of liquor, but he was having a hard time holding the bottle steady and some spilled out and dribbled down the front of his clothes

McCoy replied “Look at you. You’re so drunk you can’t even raise the bottle to your lips without spilling it. You look awful.”

“Going to send me to a substance abuse clinic too?” Kirk said bitterly.

McCoy swallowed and turned red slightly. “Jim, I didn’t do any of this to hurt you. I’m trying to help you. You’re killing yourself.”

“I don’t need one of your lectures!” Kirk snarled. He drained his drink and the bottle slipped from his grasp. The bottle shattered into two pieces, Kirk leaned down and picked up the shards, before replying. “What I do is my business.”

“Not if you’re killing yourself, Jim. You need some help.”

Kirk advanced on McCoy. The bottle shards were still held in the younger man’s hand. McCoy glanced at the sharp remnants of bottle and apprehensively watched as Kirk yelled “You’ve helped enough! Stop calling me Jim, you’re not my fucking friend. Not after what you make me go through every day.”

 Kirk smashed the bottle fragments down on the edge of the railing so a piece shattered into a sharper fragment and continued aggressively “I have to sit there while that asshole Ponte picks over every facet of my life like he actually knows something. He said he wants me to come to terms with the Kelvin. You know what he did one time, to ‘help’ me?”

 McCoy said  “Ji—Kirk , I –“

Kirk yelled over McCoy’s attempt to speak. “He had me listen to these survivors’ accounts like that’s supposed to make me feel better. He said that this was what my father has saved over 800 people from and I shouldn’t be so selfish that I can’t understand his sacrifice. “

“I’m sorry I didn’t know—“

“Shut up and listen!” Kirk shouted he was shaking with anger. “Then that bastard apparently got his hands on some footage from the Kelvin and he had me watch the video. All fucking 10 minutes and 42 seconds of people screaming and crying. Bodies lying in the corridors in pools of blood. People running desperately as they tried to evacuate. You don’t know what that was like.”

“I—“

“He made me watch that. That twisted bastard made me watch as all those people lay dead or dying. I was so sick after that I couldn’t keep anything down for a day and a half. I couldn’t even sleep without waking up to nightmares”

“It wasn’t supposed to go like that. Listen to me—“

“I’m not listening to you say anything! I don’t want to hear you say a fucking word.  What do I have to do to make you shut the fuck up!”

As Kirk walked closer with the bottle shard still yelling, McCoy asked more calmly then he felt “Jim, what are you planning on doing with that? You’re going to cut me because you don’t like what I’m saying and you blame me for trying to get you some help?”

Kirk paused and looked down at the glass fragments he was holding. McCoy watched as his friend’s face changed from rage to a mixture of anger and guilt and he didn’t believe Kirk for a moment when the younger man offhandedly answered “I-I picked it up because I was going to throw it away. Goddamn McCoy you’re fucking paranoid.”

McCoy answered “I’m not fucking paranoid. I see that you’ve lost control of yourself and I’m wondering just how far you’re going to go.” Kirk angrily threw the bottle shards he was holding down and McCoy saw blood dripping from where the scraps had sliced into his hands. Kirk didn’t seem to care.

Kirk walked over to where an unopened case of liquor was sitting next to three other empty ones. He grabbed a bottle and after a moment of difficulty managed to get the cap off. He started drinking the bottle desperately.

McCoy couldn’t watch anymore he walked toward Kirk and said “Stop it! You’re killing yourself for god-sakes, it’s like you don’t care about anything anymore.”

Kirk took another swallow before slurring “I’m not killing myself. I’m accepting myself. I’m a drunken reckless person that doesn’t care about anything. I don’t care about anything! Not you, not this academy, nothing. Okay? So because I don’t care, nothing can hurt me. I can’t be hurt!” He threw his arms up and spread them outward. Liquor slopped onto McCoy.  Kirk continued “We all need to accept ourselves. Just let go and accept who we are.”

“Jim, you’re very drunk and—“

“No, it’s true.” Kirk swallowed the last of his bottle and let it fall to the ground where it smashed like the previous container.  He grabbed the case of liquor off the ground and shoved it into McCoy’s arms.

McCoy took the case- he definitely wasn’t giving Kirk it back, even if he asked—but he wondered why Kirk was giving it to him.

He didn’t have to ask. Kirk said “That’s for your McCoy; you used to be a drunk right? Well, you still are.” McCoy stared at Kirk. Kirk was swaying slightly he continued speaking, the words were very slurred. “Stop fighting it. Give in. You can’t run from who you are.”

“Jim, why are you doing this?”

“I’m helping you be real. We all need to stop pretending. I need to stop. I’m not my father, I’m not a leader. I’m not a hero.” Kirk was shouting. “Don’t you understand? I’m a loser that’s responsible for so many people dying it’s pitiful. I keep thinking, maybe--maybe if I hadn’t been alive, maybe they would still be alive... and I think they might be.”

“What are you talking about?”

Kirk shook his head and walked away, over his shoulder he called “I’m talking about finally giving in. I’m done pretending McCoy. I’m done with running from who I am.... I’m done with it all.”

“Jim!” McCoy called, more than a little alarmed.

Kirk didn’t turn around he continued walking and disappeared into the fog.

He had left the campus and rented a motorcycle, which was how he winded up going down a deserted road at a recklessly dangerous speed.

XXXX XXXX

As Kirk remembered his last words to McCoy he increased the speed, until he was going as fast as the engine would allow. He didn’t have any idea where he was going and he wasn’t really trying to go anywhere. He was only trying to escape himself. The adrenalin from the ride helped him banish the guilt he felt. An animal darted across his path and at the last moment Kirk managed to avoid it. It was a near miss, but at the speed he was going anything could happen. And at this point Kirk didn’t care what happened.

He saw a dirt path to his left and abruptly swung onto it. It was rocky and dotted with potholes. Kirk had no idea where it led. With the dim moonlight and his headlights he could only see a few feet ahead, but he didn’t fear the unknown. He welcomed it.

He sped past a sign. He couldn’t read the writing, he was going too fast. He saw it only a few feet away. The sign was a warning the path ended in a cliff. Kirk realised this was the quarry that some of the students from the academy used for rock-climbing. He knew it was a steep drop off and it was so far up that if he went over the edge, it was most likely he would die.

He didn’t stop.

The drop-off neared, Kirk waited until he was feet away from the edge then he braked bring the bike to a halt. The chasm ahead was simultaneously foreboding and inviting.

Kirk gunned the engine, and then accelerated forward. He had reached a decision, the edge was approaching. The blackness of the abyss ahead threatened to envelope him. At the last moment he braked sharply and turned the bike away. The bike skidded in one direction his body in another. One went towards the drop-off the other away from it.

As Kirk tumbled over the edge, his hand reached out and desperately grabbed for a purchase. His arm jerked painfully as his body weight was suddenly put on that one arm. A sharp pain seared through his shoulder and he felt a pop. Almost immediately he found he couldn’t hold on with that arm, he quickly grasped a protrusion of rock with his other hand.

Difficulty he pulled himself up using just one arm. After a few minutes he hauled himself over the edge and collapsed panting on the ground. He laid there for a moment feeling the aches shooting through his body and the agony coursing through his shoulder.  He groaned and swore, then got to his knees. He grabbed his shoulder and performed a procedure he had perfected after years of tending to injuries gained in the numerous fights he had been involved in.

With quick movement he forced the joint back onto position. “Shit“ He swore as the bone popped into place with an audible sound. Agony like no other tore through his shoulder and momentarily his vision dimmed.

Kirk kneeled in the dust, staring blankly at the night sky, then he started laughing. He realised something at that moment. He had just remembered the stunt he had pulled with his father’s car years ago. He could picture his younger self standing defiantly in front of the officer who had been chasing him and yelling “My name’s Kirk.  James T. Kirk”

That day had been a turning point. After that incident, he had gotten involved in worse and worse, until his mother sent him to stay with some family on Tarsus IV. She had thought she was helping him. He would be away from Frank, who seemed to hate everything about him and never missed an opportunity to demonstrate his hatred. He wouldn’t be able to hang out with his rough friends and get involved in all the illegal activities he had gotten caught up in. He was a problem that she had finally figured out a way to get rid of.

She had sent him from a fire into hell.

And it had all started with taking his dad’s car. Kirk knew that day he had stopped trying to appease Frank. He had stopped trying to gain his mother’s approval so she would look at him with something other than sadness and disappointment. He had started being himself. The car incident had been a turning point. Tonight was a turning point.

Kirk had said he was done pretending and he was serious. He wasn’t running away anymore. He retrieved the bike and silently rode back to his dorm room. His roommate was gone. He was glad, because he had an assignment to work on.

He pulled out his data PADD and then stopped. He grabbed a notebook and picked up an old-fashioned pen. He stared at the white sheets then he put the pen down and let the ink flow as he started writing.

He wrote the truth, he wrote his experiences and he didn’t hold back. He wrote late into the night and into the early morning.

When he finally stopped as the sun was rising the notebook was filled with memories, but his mind was finally emptier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we're reaching the end-game here folks , It's nice that I've already had this story finished for a good while and can release it relatively quickly. I've noted the comments mentioned how annoying my penchant for redacting was so that's gone and now I finally noticed that wow, Kirk has a very bad vocabulary when he's mad. Particularly when he's mad and drunk. So hope you enjoyed , leave a comment if you're feeling in the mood. 
> 
> Oh and before I forget, I'll be releasing the deleted scenes from the story after it's finished, I've found that's best so the flow of the work isn't ruined.


	12. Chapter 12

Kirk was in Relik’s class listening to the other cadet’s read their papers. All of the works were sanitized affairs, laced with speculation and inaccuracies. The justifications they made for Kodos were stupid at best and infuriatingly disrespectful and ignorant at worst. The summaries of why he was wrong barely scratched the surface of what had been wrong. The pages discussing Tarsus 9, all had some form of the words ‘A survivor might have or a survivor would’, it was all so detached and clinical, that Kirk longed to leap up and yell at them all. When McCoy read his attempt at the assignment Kirk felt like a knife had been stabbed through him as he heard the doctor listing what would have been sound almost logical arguments for Kodos’ decision except there could never be sound logical arguments in favour of what had happened on Tarsus IV. Kirk was seething inside as each word was read.

He controlled himself. He waited until it was his turn to read. Wordlessly he passed the copy of his assignment to Relik. Relik raised an eyebrow as he saw the hardcopy.

Kirk didn’t notice he was trying to compose himself so he could read. He was starting to regret writing the paper. He didn’t want to read it aloud, last night in the stuporous haze of drunken he had been it had been easier to write. Now, after the effects of the liquor had faded, the sensations he felt whenever he thought about Tarsus were coming back full force. Kirk forced his breathing to slow, and picked up his notebook with sweaty palms. He stood up and hoped nobody noticed how he was trembling slightly. He saw several cadets staring at his pale face and knew that he wasn’t being entirely successful acting like nothing was wrong.

Relik interrupted Kirk’s attempt to regain control with “Mr. Kirk you actually decided to think this would be acceptable to turn in.”

Kirk was slightly confused. _Relik couldn’t have read the paper yet, so what was he disapproving of?_ Kirk asked “What do you mean?”

“The writing is so terrible it’s almost indecipherable, there’s splotches all across the pages like somebody wasted something on it and it’s written on a flimsy.”

“Yes.”

“The other assignments were all turned in digitally and were actually neat. Why did you write your paper like this?”

The response tumbled out; Kirk was starting to feel angry. He had spent hours writing something about something that he shouldn’t have had to and now the man was complaining because the paper wasn’t digital and it wasn’t neat. He answered flippantly to irritate Relik. “Why doesn’t my paper look like the rest of the class’? Maybe because I actually have a life and didn’t feel like spending days writing this crap.” Kirk shrugged “Maybe because I didn’t have time to make a fancy digital copy.  Maybe it looks like that.... because I felt like it.”

A row below him Kirk saw McCoy sigh and shake his head disapprovingly. He rounded on McCoy “Shut up, I don’t need any of your disapproving looks you asshole. I can’t believe you even went along with this shit. You’re supposed to be a doctor for god sakes and you’re coming up with justifications for murdering people?”

McCoy just stared at him without speaking. Kirk turned away. Relik spoke ignoring Kir’s outburst toward McCoy. “Because you felt like it? Mr. Kirk I don’t think you understand the gravity of this assignment—“

“I don’t think you understand the gravity of this assignment; you’re a dumb fat ass that likes to torture people.”

“I like to torture people?” Relik said sceptically.

“I think I told you that, what you can’t hear now?” Kirk was very angry. The class was staring at him.

“Your comment makes no sense.”

“Your assignment makes no sense, but you know what I did it. And out of all the pieces of  shit I heard in class today this paper—“ Kirk shook his notebook. “Is the only one that actually makes any sense.”

“You think your attempt at this assignment is better than everybody else’s? “

“I don’t think, I know.”

Relik shook his head. “Mr. Kirk your level of narcissism is unbelievable. I was about to throw you out this class,--“ Relik continued sarcastically “but since I would hate to deprive the class of a literary masterpiece please continue and then afterwards _Mr. Hemingway_ meet me in Renfield’s office.”

There was laughter throughout the class. Kirk ignored the sound and started reading. The beginning of the paper was short. Kirk had written a brief summary of why Kodos’ decision was wrong. It was short, but Kirk felt it was more accurate than any of the other cadet’s overblown analyses. Several mouths feel open and one or two people giggled as he read.

Kirk read the next section of his paper; it wasn’t a justification for Kodos' actions, because as far as Kirk was concerned the man wasn’t right and could never be right.  More laughter followed as Kirk concluded that section.

When Kirk read the last section, where they were supposed to discuss the perspective of the Tarsus 9, he paused. Memories were threatening to engulf him; he pushed them back and plunged on.

“I was sent to Tarsus IV by my mother. She felt she couldn’t handle me anymore, and that I would be better off staying with some family there. At first everything was fine on Tarsus, I liked it there. It was better than on Earth, I felt loved, I was happy. My family there was everything I had always wanted.” Kirk paused; he felt tears gathering in his eyes as he thought of what happened next. He swallowed and continued. “Tarsus IV was prosperous, there was plenty of food, and crops did well. Then it all changed....”

Kirk ignored the eyes staring at him and continued. He went on for several minutes, when he got to the part about Kodos and what had happened next, he glanced up. Relik was staring at him. Kirk looked back down at his notebook and continued reading. “I was standing in the crowd and now everybody was nervous and scared by Kodos’ speech. Weapon fire broke out, bodies started falling, and there was blood everywhere...screams filled the air, people were running and trampling others as they tried to escape. ..The bright flash of disruptors was almost blinding... I’ll never forget the smell of burning flesh...”

Kirk continued until finally almost five minutes later a voice said “Mr. Kirk stop right there.” Kirk glanced up to find a red-faced Relik glaring at him.

Relik was livid. He said in a low voice. “I cannot believe you would stoop this low. This is an outrage.” He shook the papers Kirk had handed him. “You are one of the most despicable humans, I have ever met. The levels you will go to for attention are sub-human.”

“What sir?” Kirk said somewhat confusedly.

“Don’t say anything, just listen.” Relik started reading the first part of the paper out loud. “ Kodos was wrong because he was a fucking crazy murderer. That damn bastard waited until he had the prime opportunity then he implemented his fucking eugenics program under the guise of saving the colonists. The asshole didn’t give a shitabout any of the colonists. “

 Relik stopped reading and said “that’s just to name a few. You then go on to say and I quote ‘There’s no point writing why Kodos was justified that fucking bastard never was and never can be justified. Anybody that believes any of his shit is justified should go somewhere and kill their fucking selves. ‘”

Now that he heard somebody else reading it, Kirk realized it was a little harsh and maybe liquor had loosened his tongue too much. But he refused to feel guilty, because it was the truth. “Sir maybe that wasn’t appropriate but—“ Kirk began.

“Mr. Kirk be quiet. I’m not finished.” Relik nearly shouted “You go on to write  the part on the Tarsus 9 as if you were actually there and one of the survivors and –“ Relik flicked through a few pages. “You make up an entire group of children of which you were the leader. This is damn blasphemous. The level of disrespect you show is unbefitting a Starfleet officer.”

“Sir, there was no disrespect intended.”

“This entire paper of lies is disrespectful; everything is a joke to you.”

“This wasn’t lies and I wasn’t joking.”

“Sit down Kirk; I’m reporting you to the highest officials. By tonight you’ll be packing your bags, but before you go I want you to know that somebody as despicable as you deserves something awful to happen to them”.

Kirk yelled “This wasn’t fucking lies! I didn’t—“

“You’re saying you were one of the Tarsus 9, you survived Tarsus IV.?”

Kirk didn’t want to answer; he felt all the class, McCoy included staring at him. The words spilled out laced with shame and guilt. “I-I-I am.”

There was a long silence; Then Relik said “Get out, just get out! You are evil and self-centred beyond belief...”

Kirk stood there and let Relik’s insult’s wash over him. Several people in class had started crying. Some were laughing-- about what Kirk didn’t know, because there wasn’t anything remotely funny about the situation. Kirk felt awful, his head was aching still from the remnants of his hangover, his skin was sweaty, but worst of all was the pain from finally telling and nobody believing him.

Relik was saying “Kirk you should be ashamed, you are a person that deserved to have been on Tarsus , maybe if you were actually there and suffered like those people must have then you wouldn’t think this was all a joke.”

Kirk could only stare. He had been on Tarsus he had the scars and memories to prove it, but he didn’t tell Relik any of this. _What was the point the man wouldn’t believe him anyway._ Instead Kirk said “Fine... You know what I’m done... I’m done with this all.” He let the notebook he had written his assignment in fall from his hand.

The class was staring at him. Kirk could see by their looks many thought he had been joking and they were holding back laughter. Other’s expression was one of shock and horror. People were quietly crying and their friends were trying to comfort them. A few had intensely angry expressions on their face and Kirk knew the only thing stopping them from kicking his ass was the witnesses provided by the rest of the class.  Only a few appeared to believe him.

Kirk shouldered his bag and walked down the aisle toward the exit through a barrage of comments.

“Once again hilarious Kirk. Though, you might have gone a little too far this time.”

“My grandmother died on Tarsus IV, how could you?”

“Brilliant idea, wish I had thought of that for my paper.”

“I loved the first part,” A cadet said then laughed.

“They should expel you. They should put you in jail you asshole.”

“I’m so sorry I said those things the other —“

“You’re a very cruel person. You should just do us all a favour and kill yourself!”

Kirk bowed his head and let the comments rain down on him. He was nearly at the exit when a voice surfaced above the noise. “Jim!”

Kirk paused for an infinitesimal second, and then he continued forward. He knew who had shouted his name. But he didn’t stop because he couldn’t bear to hear McCoy tell him how evil he was too or start up about how something was wrong with him. Kirk already knew he was evil. _Why else had he thought that he could keep over 20 children from dying, why had he thought he was capable of saving anybody? Why was he the one alive and they were dead?_

Kirk walked out the auditorium and disappeared into the crowd of cadets moving through the corridor.

XXXX XXXX

Controversy spiralled through the air. A myriad of emotions ran through the cadets remaining in the auditorium. One girl was wailing loudly “My Mother died on Tarsus IV and he just acted like it was all a joke.”

Other cadets were laughing and joking. Several more had dark looks on their faces and were discussing about catching Kirk alone and teaching him some respect. Some cadets were sending sympathetic looks his way or muttering apologies.  Relik was furiously calling someone on a comm. unit.

McCoy couldn’t understand what had just happened. Kirk had just read an entire paper of fiction like it was real and he had even got offended when he was called out on it. McCoy couldn’t understand why Kirk would have deliberately insulted he Tarsus 9.He was irreverent and generally sometimes very insulting. But he didn’t go around making fun of people that had died. That just wasn’t like him. McCoy was wondering was his friend crazy. _Perhaps he had written the paper the way he had because to his psychotic mind it was real and he had been on Tarsus IV?_ McCoy didn’t disregard the thought; he had heard stranger things in his years as a doctor. And over the past few weeks Kirk had been progressively becoming more scattered and reckless. His mood swings, labile temper, random fights, the mess hall incident and frequent outbursts could be a sign of some sort of mental illness. McCoy shouldered his way through a crowd of cadets up to where Kirk had been standing and picked up the notebook lying on the ground.

He sat down but didn’t open it at first. He feared finding, odd drawings, and psychotic ramblings like he had seen in the writings of many schizophrenics over the years.  Steeling himself, McCoy flipped the book open. He scanned the pages and was relieved to find that it was only filled with writing. Albeit the writing was almost illegible in some place like it had been written by a shaking hand. Many of the pages have large smears where the ink had run and blotches where the words were impossible to make out.  McCoy started to read.

Relik dismissed the class and McCoy was still reading as he filed out the classroom with the other cadets. He went outside and found a secluded spot on a bench. He read up to the part he had heard in class then he started on the section Relik had apparently referenced when he told Kirk he was making up a group of kids. That part of the notebook was harder to read both because of the graphic detail and content and because these pages were extremely smeared and crinkled so that entire phrases were lost.  As McCoy read familiar names from Kirk’s drunken rant almost two weeks ago filtered up from the page and he realized the truth. McCoy looked up from the notebook.

He whispered “Shit.”

He thought about what he had read and realized why the pages of the notebook were so dilapidated. The stains on the pages were caused by tears. The writing that looked like it had been written by a shaking hand had been written by one. The paper was the truth and everybody hadn’t believed him. McCoy tried to read the rest of the notebook but he couldn’t bring himself to, feeling sick and horrified he shut it and shoved the notebook into his bag. McCoy didn’t know what he would have done if half of what had happened to Kirk had happened to him. It made the problems with his wife and family seem small in comparison.

 Kirk had lived in hell for a long time first physically and then in his mind and he had never told anybody. McCoy didn’t know if he could have lived like that, he didn’t know how Kirk could. McCoy remembered the miserable, hopeless expression on Kirk’s face as he had left the classroom and knew he had to find him.

He nearly ran into the nearest building and started frantically asking anybody whether they had seen the younger man. Many cadets reacted angrily at the mention of Kirk’s name and McCoy knew that he was making several enemies, but he didn’t care.  McCoy realized every cadet on campus himself included had been unwittingly pushing Kirk closer and closer to the breaking point. He feared that today they had pushed him over and McCoy needed to find him before he did something he couldn’t take back.

McCoy passed Renfield’s office and heard voices from within. One was Relik’s the other Renfield’s.

“I demand he be expelled. The display he showed in class was one of the most shameful attempts for attention ever seen.” Relik’s irate tones complained.

Renfield answered “I agree professor. I’ve tried to be lenient with him considering his circumstances, but after this incident he will have to be expelled. Lying about being in a massacre in which countless people died and disrespecting the survivor’s is un—“

McCoy barged in. Relik glanced up from where he was sitting across from Renfield ‘“Dr. McCoy what are you—“ Renfield started to say.

McCoy cut her off. “He wasn’t lying!”

Relik glared at McCoy and said loudly “I understand that Kirk is your friend but really doctor I thought you had more integrity than to stand then to stand here and lie like this in an attempt to salvage his career. He ‘s being expelled and there’s nothing you or anyone else can say or do that will change it”

“You self-righteous bastard. Don’t you see what you’re doing? Don’t you see what you’ve done!”

“I’m helping to remove a cadet from the academy before he makes his way into Starfleet officially and ruins the fleet.”

“No, you’re not. He finally told somebody, and you, me everybody else didn’t believe him! Listen to me he—“

“No, you listen to me. Your friend is a liar and apparently he’s got you lying for him to.” McCoy was seething with rage, but Relik continued. “I’m going to suggest that you face some disciplinary action for your conduct and I suggest you don’t associate with liars.  Now—“

Relik’s further comments were cut off in strangled gasps as McCoy tried to choke him. Renfield intervened by pulling McCoy off. “That’s enough!” Renfield glared at McCoy. Relik was gasping her breath. Renfield said “Doctor, Kirk is being expelled and there is no negotiation. He—“

Here words were interrupted by the beep of the comm. unit on her desk. Renfield let go of McCoy's arm and reached over to receive the call. Pike’s face appeared on the view screen sitting on her desk. An older man’s face appeared.

Renfield said “Captain Pike what can I do for you, sir?”

The older man, Captain Pike, said “Nothing at the moment commander Renfield. However, I just found out Kirk had papers issued against him for expulsion and I’d like to know the circumstances that led to this. I sincerely hope this was a misunderstanding or a computer glitch.”

Relik and Renfield’s mouths fell open. Even McCoy was astonished, he didn’t know how Pike, A Starfleet Line officer, Captain of the _Enterprise_ , even knew Kirk was alive let alone was monitoring him closely enough to find out almost immediately he was being expelled.

Renfield regained her composure first. “You heard of this situation sir? But you’re –“ She glanced at the comm. Number at the bottom of the screen and said “light years away!”

“I keep tabs on people I people I see have potential, no matter how far away I am.” Pike said smoothly. He added “And now I’d like one of you to tell me what the hell is going on.”

Renfield was surprised but she began “Sir, during one of his classes today he....” She briefly explained and added at the end. “Over the past two weeks he’s had numerous incidents, including random fights, in the mess hall yesterday he went off, he’s had several outbursts during class, his grades have been fluctuating, a few times he’s come to classes inebriated and this paper was the last straw.”

Pike was silent for several minutes then he asked Renfield “And this started after professor Relik asked for the assignment on Tarsus IV?”

“Well actually sir the personality disturbances appear to have begun the previous day in correlation to a discussion on the _Kelvin_ , before the assignment was issued about Tarsus IV. Plus the anniversary of the _Kelvin_ is coming up.” Renfield added “However Kirk has no excuse for writing that assignment like he did. I read it. The paper is riddled with lies to gain attention. I didn’t want to think like this but the way he’s been acting and the stories he made up point to some kind of mental issues.”

“They weren’t lies. They were the truth, you b--“ McCoy stared to shout.

“Be quiet. You have—“ Renfield began.

Pike cut both of them off. “No, let him talk.”

Renfield glanced at Pike with disbelief but complied.

McCoy was slightly uncomfortable with one of the most prominent Starfleet captain’s watching him so closely, but he tried to explain anyway. “Captain, he isn’t lying. It’s the truth.”

Pike’s gaze was inscrutable when he asked “What’s your name?”

“Dr. McCoy, Leonard McCoy.”

“You’re Kirk’s friend?”

“Yes, sir.”

Pike nodded to himself, and said “Relik, Renfield if you don’t mind I’d like a word with this young man alone.”

Renfield glanced curiously between McCoy and Pike before she acquiesced. Relik followed her out, glaring at McCoy as he did so.

When they were alone, McCoy began hurriedly “Captain, The paper they’re talking about isn’t lies. It—“

Pike said simply “I know.”

McCoy stopped mid-sentence. “Y-y-you know?”

“I know Kirk was on Tarsus IV, I know he was one of the Tarsus 9.”

McCoy stared then said “He didn’t tell me. I didn’t know and I’m one of his best friends, and he told you?”

“He didn’t tell me.”

“Then how did you find out?”

“It’s a long story and a short one, but that’s not important right now.” Pike continued with a tinge of worry in his voice “where is he?”

“I don’t know. He left class almost two hours ago now. I’ve been searching, but I can’t find him. And I was looking everywhere and then I overheard them talking about expelling him and I tried to explain but...” McCoy trailed off.

Pike said “I’ll straighten this out with the academy, they won’t expel him. But I’m light years away and somebody needs to find him. I don’t think anybody can fully know what’s going through his head right now, but I’ve seen Tarsus IV and those are images you can’t forget.” Pike paused and McCoy saw a dark shadow flit across his face as a memory must have flashed through Pike’s mind. Pike continued “Kirk’s been living there for weeks after that assignment was issued and somebody needs to find him and bring back before he’s too far gone.”

McCoy caught the dual meaning in the statement and nodded.

Pike ordered. “Send Renfield and Relik in.”

McCoy left the office and told her Pike wanted to speak with her. She walked into the office followed by Relik.  McCoy continued searching for Kirk he desperately needed to find his friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So when tis was originally posted a lot of people, thought there would be a big scene where the academy finds out about Kirk and everybody believes him. but disbelief is more realistic, with his personality and the sheer unbelievableness of the situation, people aren't likely to believe him. And in this chapter you kind of see how it never really occurred to him that he might not be believed, that's why he never really told, because he was too afraid of being believed and then having to relieve it. 
> 
> I really loved writing this chapter, because after Bones figures out he is instantly in Kirk's corner. I also like the nice counterpoint that while most people are thinking Kirk's a liar , Bones is figuring out the truth. Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed.


	13. Chapter 13

After Kirk had left Relik’s classroom, the news of what had happened spread like wildfire, evil glares, curses and threats rained down on Kirk.  Some people especially a few that had been in the class seemed to believe him and gave him pitying remarks or glances. Others jeered at Kirk to suck it up.  But the majority of people seemed to disbelieve him. Kirk walked quickly trying to get away from everybody as fast as possible. He left the campus buildings behind and set off to the edge of a grove of trees near the outskirts of the campus.

He wished he hadn’t wrote the paper or read the paper in class. It had been nothing more than a drunken rant and nobody believed him anyway.

Kirk placed his head in his hands; he still had a hangover from the night before, he felt lightheaded partly from an agonizing headache and dizziness brought on by eating almost nothing in 4 days. He didn’t know what to do. He was about to be expelled. Everybody on the campus hated him. He thought about finding one of the faculty and trying to convince them of the truth, but that would have meant going into detail and even the paper he had written in class didn’t have the full details. He couldn’t bear for anybody to know everything.

Kirk sat up and looked at his arms and hands. His arms had pale scars going all the way up; in fact all his body had scars. When McCoy had asked about them during his first physical, he had told his friend they were from childhood accidents and numerous bar fights over the years. McCoy hadn’t been totally satisfied with the explanation. Months later during a drunken rant Kirk had muttered something about his stepfather Frank and McCoy thought he had found out the reasons for the scars. He didn’t know the truth.

Kirk traced a finger over one of the pale lines on his inner arm. He remembered when the same scar had been one of many searing lines of agony that had caused him to scream so loud he became hoarse. He remembered tiny lasers slicing into his flesh and pain seemingly never-ending pain coursing throughout his body. 

 Kirk stared at his hands and thought of all they had done. They were the same hands that had deftly bandaged a wound. The same hands had rocked one of the little kids to sleep.  They were the same hands which had tickled one of the younger children until they had finally collapsed to the ground laughingly begging him to stop. But they were also the same hands that had snatched up a disruptor, put the weapon to one of Kodos’ soldiers head’s, and pulled the trigger. They were the same hands that had stabbed another survivor of the massacre after the man tried to come after one of the other kids...They were the same hands which had accidentally smothered a child, because he didn’t know how to stop it screaming and in his own terror had held his hand over the child’s face to keep it quiet...until he didn’t have to worry about it crying out again.

Kirk hated himself. He hated everything he had done.

Kirk’s musings were interrupted by a loud voice. “There he is!”

Kirk looked up. A group of five cadets were striding across the grass towards him. Kirk apprehensively stood up. A red-haired cadet was at the front of the group and four other cadets were trying to keep up with him. The face of the cadet at front was bright red and etched with rage.

He neared and Kirk saw that the young man was vaguely familiar, like he had known him once. Though, he was sure he had never seen him before around campus.

The man said “What the fuck is wrong with you!”

“What? I—“ Kirk started to say, before the words were cut off as the red-haired cadet hit him.

Kirk stumbled then straightened up. He tasted blood in his mouth and said “I don’t understand what you’re mad about I’ve never seen you before.”

The red-haired man raised his fist again, but one of the other cadets caught his arm and said calmly “Gestalt, just leave him. Kirk’s not worth it.”

“What is this about?” Kirk asked again.

As Kirk spoke again, Gestalt gave a roar of rage and tried to break free from the four cadets holding him back.

“Jake, calm down. Kirk’s just an asshole it’s not personal.” The black haired cadet said while glaring at Kirk as he spoke.

Gestalt was breathing heavily, but he settled back a little.

“What’s going on?” Kirk asked. He couldn’t understand what the other cadet was angry about.

The black haired cadet glanced at Gestalt who had tensed at Kirk’s voice, and answered “He’s angry about what you said about his sister.”

“I don’t even know his sister. I didn’t say anything!” Kirk insisted.

Gestalt spoke; his eyes were blazing with anger. “My sister was on Tarsus IV.” Kirk felt his stomach drop. Gestalt continued “She died there. We never even found her body and you have the nerve to act like you were there! My sister was only a little kid.—“

Gestalt’s voice cracked but after a moment he continued. “My parents let her stay with our grandparents for a few months, but I—I-“ Gestalt stopped again this time he had tears in his eyes. Kirk watched as he wiped a sleeve across his face and cleared his throat before continuing. “I didn’t want to go. I thought I was too grown-up and I was tired of her following me around all the time. My parents let me stay with some friends at the Martian colonies. So I wasn’t on Tarsus IV when everything happened and Sami died.”

Kirk’s heart skipped a beat at the name. “Your sister’s name w-was Sami?”

“Yeah it was you fucker!” Gestalt yelled.

“She-she had red hair? Was a bit of a tomboy?” Kirk asked his brow furrowed.

Gestalt’s nostrils flared but he nodded once.

“I-I knew her.”

Gestalt’s face went almost purple with rage. He seemed unable to speak. The black haired cadet glanced between Kirk and Gestalt then said “Jake, relax. Okay? Kirk’s not worth being kicked out the academy for. He’ll be gone soon anyway.”

Kirk ignored the cadet’s comment and said. “You’re her brother Jake. She used to talk about you all the time... It’s good to finally meet you.”

At Kirk’s last words the four cadets behind Gestalt grabbed hold of their friend as he lunged toward Kirk. There was a myriad of voices as they tried to calm him down.

“Jake it’s okay, Kirk’s not right in the head. Just walk away.—“

“Relax, let’s go. He’ll be gone by tomorrow anyway...”

“He’s got a serious problem, I don’t even think he gets what he’s doing—“

It took a few minutes but finally Gestalt calmed enough that his friends released their hold on him. Gestalt spoke in a voice cold with anger. “Listen to me Kirk. You were _not_ on Tarsus IV. You did _not_ know my sister. Stop lying, you asshole. My sister died on that planet and I don’t even know how or where and you’re telling me you knew her? You’re-“ Gestalt broke off, unable to continue.

Kirk said quietly “I’m sorry if this is bothering you, but I knew her. I know how she died too. I was there. I think—I know-- it was my fault...” Kirk began telling him the story of how Sami had died. He left out the worst parts. He didn’t want to relive that himself. The story was abrupt and fragmented as a result, but Gestalt didn’t seem to notice. Kirk gazed at Gestalt as he finished speaking. He waited for the other cadet to say something. Gestalt held Kirk’s gaze for almost three minutes before speaking and it was one word “liar.”

Kirk was silent.

Gestalt continued. Shit you fucking liar. You are the sickest most twisted bastard I have ever met. You not only tell me that you know my sister, but you just told me the most god-damn gruesome sick story about how she died. And all of it is a fucking lie!”

“It’s not.”

“Damn it” Gestalt laughed mirthlessly. “And you’re still lying. I’m starting to think that don’t need to only expel you. They need to also get you some psych help because there is something seriously messed up in your head!”

“I’m not crazy and I’m not lying. This is the truth listen to me.”

“No, you listen to me you asshole. Sami died on Tarsus IV. I know that. I can accept that, but you didn’t know her. You weren’t on Tarsus and you sure as hell don’t know how she died.”

Kirk was furious that nobody believed him. He yelled. “I was there! I carried her body back! I found the—“

The words were cut off as Gestalt hit him. Kirk stumbled backwards. Gestalt rushed forward and hit Kirk repeatedly. Some of the other cadets joined in. Others were yelling at Gestalt to stop. Kirk didn’t fight back. He wasn’t mad a Gestalt. He only felt misery that nobody believed him. At some point Kirk fell to the ground and still they didn’t stop. Kicks and punches rained down on him, pain flowed through his body and Kirk slowly let himself detach. The cadets showed no sign of stopping and Kirk thought that quite possibly they might continue until they killed him. He didn’t care what happened, in fact he wished they would end it because he couldn’t bring himself to break the promise he had made years ago on his own.   He was very close to unconsciousness when one of the cadet’s asked nervously “Is he dead?”

Silence followed and Kirk saw through half-closed eyes that the black haired cadet was kneeling next to him. He felt two fingers on the side of his neck then the cadet straightened up and muttered “he’s got a pulse and he’s still breathing.”

There was a pause then somebody said “Come on Jake, Kirk’s had enough.” 

Kirk felt somebody give him one last kick in the stomach and heard Gestalt say “Don’t you ever mention my sister again.”

Then he heard footsteps fading away. Kirk opened his eyes and watched as Gestalt and his friends walked toward campus. Kirk waited for the pain to subside somewhat then he gingerly sat up. He felt miserable. It seemed it didn’t matter what he did. He didn’t want to tell people and when he finally forced himself to tell almost everybody thought he was lying. Kirk pushed himself up, his body was a mass of bruises, his abdomen and chest where they had kicked him repeatedly felt the worst. He thought about going to medical then decided against it, at this point he didn’t care what happened to him.

The only thing Kirk wanted was to tell one person and have them believe him, but he knew that wouldn’t happen. He hoped he was expelled. He couldn’t take it if he was forced to walk around campus and hear everybody call him a liar, when everything he had said was the truth,

He started off campus. He just wanted to forget about the day. He planned on getting incredibly drunk and after that who knew...

Kirk walked through the main paths towards the exit as he moved through the sea of cadets he felt waves of hostility emanating from most of them. He passed Gaila. He expected the Orion girl to say some of her flirtatious comments or try to coerce him into going to her room. Hell, he might even go with her if she did, Gaila could hardly make him feel worse than he already did.

He stopped as the Orion female spoke. “You are evil. You are worse than a –“ She said an Orion phrase at this point but Kirk understood.  It was the worse insult she could think of.

Kirk found himself grinning humourlessly as he agreed with her and added blandly “You’re right, I’m also a liar. I’m worthless and I shouldn’t even be alive. “Then he continued past Gaila and through the stream of cadets towards the exit gates.

XXXX XXXX

McCoy had thought about contacting security to help him find Kirk but halfway towards stopping a security guard in the hall he turned around and walked away. Bringing security into the search would only make Kirk hide more.

He turned down another corridor and passed Uhura, Gaila and a group of their friends. He was sure if he could explain to Uhura she would help.

“Uhura, I need to speak with you.”

Uhura turned around at his voice and said “Yes, McCoy?”

McCoy glanced at the cadets surrounding Uhura and said “Uh—I need to speak with you-- in private for a moment.”

Uhura raised her eyebrows slightly at the request, but she nodded to her friends indicating she’d catch up. Gaila apparently thought that when McCoy said private he meant himself, Uhura and herself. McCoy ignored her seductive glances and flips of her hair. He told Uhura “It’s about Jim.”

“Did he put you up to finding out my first name again? Because if he did tell him he’s not getting it.” Uhura said irritably. She continued “All he’ll do if he finds out is use it for some more of his lecherous comments and raunchy jokes.”

McCoy hastened to explain “It’s not that. Uhura I need a favour.”

“Okay, I guess.... what is it?”

“I need help finding Jim.”

Uhura was surprised then she frowned and asked “he’s missing?”

“Not exactly. But you know we had that ethical psychology assignment today. Well his was—anyway it didn’t go over well and when he left class everybody was talking about him and I can’t find him anywhere. I searched for a while.”

Uhura said “Dr. McCoy I understand you and Kirk are friends, but I heard about what he did and if he’s feeling guilty over what he’s done then good. He went too far, with his jokes. He shouldn’t be showing his face for the next week as far as I’m concerned.”

“Uhura please I’m serious. We need to find him.”

Uhura shook her head and started to turn away. “McCoy you look for him all you want, but I’m not.”

Gaila said “I like Jim, but one of my friend’s aunts was on Tarsus. Some things aren’t funny.”

Gaila followed after Uhura. “Wait!” McCoy reached out and desperately caught the arm of the closet woman.

“Get your hands off me McCoy!” Uhura said turning around, her eyes glinting dangerously.

McCoy removed his hand and said “Just hear me out. Two minutes that’s all I ask.”

Uhura said “There’s no need for any minutes, because there’s nothing you can explain.” She tried to turn around and McCoy caught her arm again.

“Uhura please.”

Uhura sighed and turned around. “Okay, explain, but I’m counting.”

“I know you think what Jim did was in bad taste—“ Uhura snorted at the remark. McCoy hurriedly continued. “But he didn’t think it would have this response.”

“Then he’s clueless.” Uhura said.

McCoy said “He wasn’t making fun of Tarsus IV anyway.”

Uhura looked very sceptical. McCoy hastily explained “That paper he wrote was true—“

Uhura definitely was incredulous now. “You’re saying he was on Tarsus?”

McCoy was about to say yes, then he stooped. There was a reason Kirk had never told anybody not even his best friend. He had probably known that nobody would believe him and when he had finally confessed he had found out he was right. Everybody, McCoy included had thought he was a liar.

Gaila was listening to McCoy curiously and McCoy knew she was a gossip. Anything he told Uhura she would hear and it would spread through campus within an hour or so with a Gaila twist to it, of course. Kirk hadn’t wanted McCoy to know. And McCoy knew the paper in class was a result of massive alcohol intoxication and pure desperation. If Kirk had been himself he would have never confessed anything. If Gaila found out Kirk was really a Tarsus 9, the media would soon know too. Kirk would probably die if that happened.

Uhura continued “McCoy I heard about what Kirk did in class and some people seem to think he was telling the truth, but really you expect me to believe Kirk was on Tarsus IV? He wrote that paper as a joke and everybody pretty much knows it! So don’t expect me to believe that he’s a Tarsus 9.”

McCoy stared at Uhura and didn’t exactly know what to say. He couldn’t blame Uhura for not believing Kirk. He knew his friend was known to pull pranks on everybody and never take anything seriously. In fact it was well known around campus that Kirk had once feigned having a life-threatening illness so a senior cadet would go out with him. Only now Kirk’s reputation for jokes was coming back to haunt him. “I’m not saying that Uhura. I’m saying there’s a good reason for why he wrote that paper the way he did and read it in class.”

Uhura’s sceptical look hadn’t faded she said “thirty second mark McCoy.”

McCoy hurried up “Do you know what’s happening soon?”

Uhura shrugged. “No. What?”

“The anniversary of the _Kelvin_ is coming up.”

“And what’s that—oh.” McCoy watched as Uhura’s face changed as she assumed what everybody else had.

“Yeah, and everybody on campus has been talking for the past few weeks about the same thing over and over that’s disturbing him.” McCoy added. “He wasn’t lying in his way. I think he internalized a lot of his feelings over the last week in that paper.”  McCoy wasn’t exactly lying he was just letting the two women assume the obvious.

“But why would he write it?” Gaila persisted.

McCoy answered. “I don’t know the exact reason, but I know he wasn’t trying to hurt anybody.”

Uhura and Gaila were quiet. McCoy could see that he had gotten through to them. He continued “After he read it the whole class had a fit. They said some really awful stuff and I know he’s impulsive. I’m worried he’ll do something and I can’t find him anywhere.”

“I saw him earlier; he didn’t look so good I think he must have got in a fight.” Gaila added guiltily   "Anyway, I had heard about what he did. I told him he was worse than –“ She said an Orion phrase.

Uhura was shocked. She said “Gai you didn’t!”

Gaila looked ashamed as she said “I did—and he knows _Orion_ too apparently--because he agreed with me “ Gaila was silent for a second then added quietly “ then he said he was worthless and a liar and shouldn’t be alive.”

McCoy had no idea what the phrase Gaila had said meant but he wasn’t interested in a linguistic lesson or listening to Uhura chastise Gaila.

He interrupted “Uhura can we focus here, we need to find Jim.”

Uhura turned back to McCoy after giving Gaila once last lesson on tact.

Gaila was happy for McCoy’s distraction she said “why don’t we get security to help?”

To McCoy it was obvious, but he answered Gaila’s question anyway. “Jim’s fought or insulted most of security, there not on the best of terms. Plus if you get them involved the whole campus will know he’s missing and we definitely won’t find him then if everybody starts looking for him.”

“I’ll help.” Uhura said.

Gaila added. “Me too. He looked sad and I know just the _thing_ to cheer him up....”

Uhura turned to give Gaila a glare which the Orion girl returned with a gaze that was apparently supposed to be innocent and failed horribly at the attempt.

McCoy looked askance at Gaila and tried to figure out a way to tactfully phrase what he was thinking. “Uh-Gaila, Kirk isn’t exactly—um—“

“He doesn’t like me?” Gaila said sadly.

More like he was scared to death of you McCoy thought but instead he said “You come across a little...aggressive at times. That might not be the best thing in this situation.”

Gaila scowled, flipped her red hair over her shoulder and said defiantly “Well I’m helping you find him anyway. And I haven’t heard Kirk say he doesn’t like me. I think he’s just shy.”

McCoy bit his tongue to avoid asking Gaila when Kirk had ever been shy of any woman and instead quickly discussed with the two women the possible places Kirk could be. After a minute or two they split up to search for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well hope you enjoyed. Only one more chapter left.


	14. Chapter 14

Uhura, Gaila, and McCoy searched the campus for hours then they searched of campus. A few people thought they had seen him and it was almost past curfew when McCoy told Uhura and Gaila not to worry and Kirk was probably holed up with some woman. The two women went off to their dorm room, but McCoy didn’t go to his room.

He stayed out searching for Kirk, and damn the security guard who wrote him up for being out past curfew. McCoy couldn’t forget the hopeless look on Kirk’s face as he had walked out of Relik’s class under a storm of insults.

It had started to rain and was past midnight. McCoy walked through the light drizzle and was searching near the outskirts of the campus. He had just passed the garage where the faculty stored their vehicles. The side door to the building was slightly ajar. McCoy wondered who had left it open and at this time of night too. The garage had a very complicated security system complete with a 24-digit pass-code and fingerprint ID.

The security system had been installed after several cadets had played pranks on various faculty members involving their expensive air skimmers and private shuttles. When the security system had been installed, the company had boasted it was unbreakable and many cadets had decided to put that to the test. So far nobody had managed to defeat it, until now apparently.

McCoy opened the door wider and slipped inside. He was curious to know who had broken into the garage and expected to find a group of engineering students celebrating their victory, by creatively redecorating a few of the vehicles.

He stared at what he did find. Almost every vehicle in the garage was open and  many were severely damaged, with busted windows, scarred paint, and a few appeared to have been cut apart with a fission torch. 

Apprehensively McCoy moved a little farther in and he heard a gagging sound. He ventured toward the noise and found a person in dirty civilian clothes, bent over next to a private luxury shuttle throwing up. By the person’s feet was two empty bottles of Tequila and a half-empty bottle was a few feet away.  Scattered empty beer bottles littered the surrounding area. McCoy watched as the person retched and he didn’t need to see the face to know who it was.

“Jim.”He said softly.                                                                                       

He could tell by the slight stiffening of Kirk’s body that he had heard him, but Kirk was retching too hard to turn around. McCoy waited another minute before Kirk slowly straightened up and dragged a hand across his mouth. He turned to look at McCoy and the doctor saw his face was very pale and sweaty. His eyes were sunken and bloodshot. Kirk said “Come to bother me again asshole? I can’t even puke in peace?”

He didn’t wait for McCoy to respond, Kirk closed his eyes and leaned against the shuttle. He muttered almost to himself “did you know Relik had three air skimmers and three shuttles? Who the fuck needs all that?”

McCoy didn’t answer the rhetorical question.

Kirk opened his eyes and grabbed the bottle of Tequila he had left in the ground. He reflectively took a sip and said “I fixed that though, every single one of his damn vehicles I rewired and ruined except this one here” he patted the shuttle he was leaning against. “I was getting to her, when I got sick. I think I drank too fast.”

“Not too much?” McCoy couldn’t help saying sarcastically.

Kirk actually considered McCoy’s comment then said “Nah, I drank more last night, I think—I can’t really remember. But two and a half bottles and some beer isn’t that much.” He saw McCoy about to speak again and added “Will you just shut the fuck up and leave me alone for once? I swear sometimes you act like a bitch.”

Kirk took a mouthful and McCoy saw him gag, before he forced the liquor down with a convulsive swallow. McCoy was tired of Kirk’s abuse. He scowled at Kirk and said “ _You_ should shut the fuck up and stop taking everything out on the one person who’s actually trying to help you!”

For a moment Kirk looked surprised and McCoy thought he might apologize, but Kirk broke out laughing almost manically instead and muttered after he had quieted a few minutes later “you finally got some balls.”, before taking another large gulp of liquor.

If Kirk hadn’t been drunk and clearly not in his right mind McCoy would have hit him, but the doctor held back the temptation and instead said “Jim give me the bottle and—“

Kirk slid down to the floor and interrupted. “McCoy let’s spare us both the lecture and I’ll just say what you’re going to say... I’m much less long-winded than you. “ Kirk took another sip and said “I’ll say what you came to tell me and then you can go..... You came to tell me what everybody else was saying. I’m--”

“No—I didn’t.”

Kirk over talked him. “Don’t interrupt that’s a bad habit you have-- Now as I was saying I’m evil. I should just go somewhere and kill myself. I’m full of shit. Oh, and I’m a liar.” Kirk turned to stare at McCoy. “Did I miss anything? If not you can leave now.”

McCoy spoke “Jim. I don’t think you’re lying.”

Kirk’s expression turned confused. “You-you don’t?” Then his face cleared and he snorted before saying.“Yeah, I forget you think I’m crazy right.”

“No I don’t think you’re crazy... and I know what’s been going on these past few days.”

“And what’s going on? “ Kirk said glaring at McCoy. “Because if you say something about the fucking _Kelvin_ , McCoy, I swear I will kill you!”

McCoy ignored the threat; even though he could see that in his drunken state Kirk was serious. “I believe you.  In class today you were telling the truth. You’re one of the Tarsus 9.”

Kirk sat the bottle of alcohol down on the floor and asked dully “what?”

McCoy reached into his bag and pulled out Kirk’s notebook. “I read this Jim. I know it all.”

Kirk was silent then he said “You may have read that, and you may know I’m one of the Tarsus 9, but you don’t know it all.”

The remark wasn’t meant unkindly. Kirk was being matter of fact.

McCoy realised he had said something very thoughtless and felt his face go red. Kirk wasn’t paying any attention to him; instead he was staring silently straight ahead. McCoy sat down next to him. Kirk murmured quietly “You don’t know it all.” Abruptly he turned to McCoy and said “This is kind of nice isn’t it?”

“What is?”

“All this, the vehicles they’re really cool and incredibly expensive.” Kirk pointed to a sleek red antique air skimmer and continued “I stole one of those when I was seventeen. It was a nice ride....I’d take that one out now, but I’m so drunk I’d probably crash it.”

Kirk took another swig from his bottle and was silent for a moment. He turned to McCoy and the doctor saw how tired he wasas he said “Bones, you know why I got sent to Tarsus IV really? You know what the last straw was?”

McCoy started to shake his head, but Kirk was already saying “Of course you don’t. Nobody knows, but me, me and my mother.... She caught me racing down the road with these older guys, said I was going to kill myself.  I mean yeah, I had done some other stuff but racing down the road that day, was the last straw. That’s what got to her.”

Kirk paused and filled the momentary silence with swallowing another mouthful of liquor. Then he started again. “She thought racing down a fucking road would kill me, so she sent me to the place that almost did kill me....isn’t that ironic?” Kirk laughed hysterically.

“Jim I’m sorry. I wish—“

Kirk stopped him “it’s okay Bones... It’s okay.... You don’t need to figure out how to make this better or make me better. I am what I am... I’m broken and you can put the pieces together but you can’t—you can’t make me whole again... So you don’t have to try.“ Kirk stared at the ground then took another sip from his bottle.

McCoy had tears in his eyes. He angrily raised a hand and swiped them away. He was a doctor god-damn it. He wouldn’t sit here and cry like a three-year old because a drunk was having a pity party. Except yes he would because the drunk was his best friend.

McCoy swallowed roughly and said “Give me the bottle Jim. You don’t need anymore.”

Kirk contemplated the bottle then defiantly gulped several long swallows emptying it. Then he grinned in a warped way as he passed the bottle to McCoy. “There _now_ you can have it.” Kirk knew he was irritating McCoy, but he was still annoyed at the doctor. _Who the hell was the Bones  to think he could order him to do anything? He  should keep his do-gooder nature to himself he had already caused enough trouble._ Kirk was about to tell McCoy his thoughts about his attempts to help when his stomach twisted miserably and he felt the burning acid of bile and alcohol rise in his throat.

McCoy was seriously irritated. He was about to chastise Kirk, when the younger man’s face contorted and seconds later Kirk stumbled to his hands and knees and threw up the alcohol he had consumed moments before.  He sat back after a minute and wiped his mouth on his shirt as he gasped trying to catch his breath. McCoy stared at him. Kirk was very thin and ill looking. His face had numerous bruises. His hair was limp and his clothes hung off him.

McCoy wanted to do something to help him but he didn’t know what.  Finally he asked “When did you last eat?”

Kirk shrugged carelessly and said “I don’t know four days, no—wait. It’s after midnight, so five days. I think.”

“Five days?” McCoy’s eyes widened.

“I couldn’t keep anything down; I haven’t been feeling too good.” Kirk saw the horrified expression on McCoy’s face and quickly added “But I might have had a snack or something in between. Honestly it’s no big deal Bones I don’t need to eat much and, I’ve gone a lot longer.”

The casual way Kirk had said ‘I’ve gone longer’ cut into McCoy like a knife. McCoy said “get up; we’re going to the mess hall.”

“Why?” Kirk asked.

McCoy tugged Kirk to his feet “because you’re going to eat something god-damn it.”

“I’ll just puke it back up.”

“Maybe, but It’ll make me feel better if you eat something.”

“Well I won’t feel better. I don’t like throwing up.”

“I’m not going to stop nagging you unless you eat something.”

“Fine.” Kirk grumbled.

Kirk and McCoy walked toward the garage door in silence, as they were about to leave McCoy looked around and said “shouldn’t we do something about this?” He indicated the wrecked vehicles and empty liquor bottles scattered around.

Kirk shrugged. “They’ll know it was me anyway” A faintly cocky look came across his face and he added. “Who else could break into this place?  Plus I only wrecked Relik’s vehicles. I hope he knows it was me. I left him something to remember me by when I’m expelled.”

“You’re not going to be expelled.” McCoy said, but he could tell Kirk wasn’t listening. They left, McCoy and a very unsteady Kirk went to Nimitz hall. When they got to the deserted mess hall, McCoy stopped in front of the synthesizers and asked “What do you want?”

“Nothing.” Kirk said.

“That’s not an option.”

“Fine. Whatever you choose.” Kirk shifted restlessly then said “I’ll be back in a minute.” He started to walk away.

“Where are you going?”

“I said I’ll be back in a minute.”

“And I asked where you were going.”

“I’m going to take a damn leak if you must know.” Kirk scowled and walked away muttering half-way under his breath. “Everything’s a f—king interrogation.”

McCoy scanned the menu trying to find something Kirk wasn’t allergic to and was bland enough that it might stay down. He finally settled on toast and eggs, with some coffee to sober him up. McCoy carried the tray back to the table, as Kirk was returning. Kirk dropped into a seat and stared unhappily at the plate of food piled in front of him.

McCoy saw him sigh, and then he took a fork and put a small bite of eggs into his mouth, which he swallowed with difficulty before laying the utensil down. He glanced up and said miserably as he rubbed his abdomen “Is red piss a really bad sign?”

“A few races normally—“ McCoy broke off as he realised why Kirk was asking. McCoy asked him “Did you get into a fight today?”

“Me?  No more like they kicked my  ass and I just took it.”

McCoy grabbed a mini-scanner from his bag and walked over to Kirk. He had his friend pull his shirt up and saw the younger man’s abdomen was a mass of bruises. Some were the yellowish-green of old ones, but numerous ones were a dark purplish red from recent fights. There wasn’t a patch of skin that was of normal colour. McCoy stared at the marks angrily. He was mad at Kirk for getting into a fight and at the people who had attacked him.

“Your bladder’s bruised, other than that you’re okay. It’ll go away on its own.”   McCoy added “Who did that to you?”

Kirk took a small bite of toast and chewed thoughtfully before saying “Jake Gestalt. You know him?”

McCoy shook his head. He had never heard of anybody by that name.  He gave Kirk a hypo of an antiemetic as he saw Kirk swallow the mouthful of food and begin gag.

McCoy sat down and watched Kirk struggle to work his way through his food. Kirk drank a little of the coffee and frowned. He scowled at McCoy and said “I didn’t want coffee. Bones, if a person gets drunk they do it for a reason, they don’t want to be sobered up.”

McCoy didn’t answer Kirk’s irritable remark. After a few more bites Kirk placed his fork down and grimaced while massaging his stomach with one hand . He glanced at McCoy and said abruptly “You know why Jake Gestalt attacked me?”

McCoy shook his head.

Kirk explained “he said I was a liar. That I hadn’t been on Tarsus, but that wasn’t the only reason... He was Sami’s brother.”

McCoy vaguely remembered a girl with that name from Kirk’s notebook, but he couldn’t remember anything specific.

“Sami was always so energetic...even when we were all weak from starvation and just plain miserable. She had this way of cheering you up....” Kirk was staring off into the distance. “ Jake startled me. I didn’t ever expect to meet him. Sami used to talk about her brother all the time—Well, Jake was saying he didn’t know how she died and I wasn’t on Tarsus, I didn’t know her.”

Kirk stared at his plate. Then he looked up at McCoy and the doctor saw tears in his eyes as he said “but I did Bones , I knew her. I knew how she died and I told him.... Do you know what happened to Sami, Bones?”

McCoy shook his head.

“I’ll tell you...” Kirk slowly spilled out what had happened to Sami, when he finished there was silence. McCoy was horrified. He couldn’t stop thinking about Joanna and how he would feel if his little daughter had died like Sami had.

Kirk had silent tears running down his cheeks as he whispered “That was my fault, Bones....”

“Jim, don’t.”

“No, listen. I didn’t tell Sami, Dina had died; I should have but those two were such good friends, I couldn’t... So, I told her Dina had gone off with one of Kodos’ troops and that was okay, because she would be taken care of...” Kirk swallowed and said in a voice almost too low to hear. “Sami ran off looking for Dina. She ran into one of the soldiers and she--she must have asked about Dina or something. Anyway he took advantage of the lie I had told. She went off with him.” Kirk broke off and closed his eyes.

McCoy saw him struggling to compose himself, after a moment Kirk continued brokenly. “I found her body Bones. ---I carried her back....Then I found the soldier and....I killed him....”

Kirk saw Sami as she was when he had found her....

_He moved forward carefully, it was dim so he didn’t see her at first, then he noticed a hand lying outstretched. He moved closer whispering her name and then he saw. Her body was broken, ruined; shreds of clothing lay around her. Her red hair was matted and dirty. She might have been asleep except for the awful stillness that no living person had. Nearby lay the armour of one of Kodos’ troops...._

Kirk faded back into the present as he forced himself not to remember. McCoy couldn’t hold back a horrified gasp as Kirk trailed off. He stared at Kirk and saw such misery in his eyes that it was painful to watch.  Kirk refused to meet McCoy’s gaze and instead stared at the plate of food in front of him.  He ate another bite of toast then said “You see this plate...It would have been what all of us had to eat for at least two days. I--”

He broke off and McCoy watched as he tried to swallow the piece of toast. Finally he shoved the plate away and spat the mouthful out into a napkin, “I can’t eat that. It’s making me sick.”

The doctor realized Kirk hadn’t eaten not only because most of the time he was too drunk or hung-over to feel hungry, but also because he felt guilty eating.

There was silence for almost fifteen minutes, in which Kirk simply stared at the table, with his head bowed and his shoulders hunched. McCoy saw his eyes flutter then he would jerk himself awake. It was pitiful to watch. “You should go back to your room and get some sleep.” He told Kirk.

“I can’t sleep—my roommate’s in and like everybody else he hates me now.” Kirk glanced up and said “either he or somebody else is probably laying in wait to pay me back for me for my _insults_ in class earlier.  So, thanks but no thanks Bones. I think I already have enough bruises today....I’m not sleepy anyway.”

McCoy ignored Kirk’s obvious lie and said “Well, you can sleep on a sofa at the rec room here.”

Kirk didn’t move but when McCoy grabbed his arm he followed his friend out the mess hall and to the rec room. He sat down on the couch but didn’t try to sleep, instead he stared blankly ahead. McCoy was tired and wanted to sleep, but he wouldn’t have felt right leaving Kirk alone while he was so obviously miserable.

McCoy sat down on the sofa next to the younger man and flipped on the holomonitor. McCoy had watched several minutes of some insipid comedy, before it had finally gone to a commercial for infant food. McCoy and Kirk watched the sappy commercial filled with giggling babies for a moment before Kirk said “D-did I tell you about Ace?”

McCoy sighed heavily and said quietly “No.”

Kirk didn’t speak, so McCoy muted the Holo and waited. Kirk was rubbing his hands together like he was trying to get them clean and staring at the ground; it was several minutes before he spoke. 

Kirk launched into a story about the child, named Ace. It was actually a pleasant tale. McCoy found himself smiling at parts.  The entire time Kirk was speaking he didn’t look at McCoy. When he finally told what had happened to the baby, McCoy’s smile dropped off his face. Kirk turned to McCoy and the doctor saw fresh tears glistening in his eyes as he said. “I killed him too. I was so fucking scared of dying myself. I killed him.”

It took a moment for McCoy to swallow back his own revulsion at the story so he could say “Jim, you didn’t—“

“I did” Kirk said taking the blame on his shoulders. He closed his eyes as a memory started coming back....

_The troops were so near, the baby’s cries filled the air. He couldn’t believe the soldier’s didn’t hear the noise. Why wouldn’t the child be quiet? Carla was doing her best to soothe the baby but it wasn’t working. She passed the baby to him.  He didn’t know anymore then she did how to keep the infant silent but the troops were coming. One moved closer and still the baby cried. He had to make it be quiet or they all were dead...._

Kirk opened his eyes as he remembered what had happened next.  He was silent for a while then he whispered “Do you know about Sevek?” McCoy didn’t even bother to respond and Kirk didn’t wait for an answer before he started.

 The stories Kirk had told McCoy hadn’t been in the notebook. McCoy realized as horrifying as the words in the notebook had been Kirk hadn’t told even an eighth of it. The paper he had written in Relik’s class had been an outline of his memories; the real story would fill volumes.

McCoy didn’t want to hear any of what he was hearing though. He wanted to shake Kirk and tell him to stop.  Just because he was his friend and he was a doctor didn’t mean he wanted to hear any of the gruesome recounts. McCoy wanted to run out the room and leave him alone, but he didn’t because if Kirk was finally telling what had happened to somebody then he deserved to have somebody listen.

Kirk slowly told how each and every one of the children who had died had met their fate. By the last child tears were coursing down the younger man’s cheeks and he could barely speak. Kirk had pulled his legs off the floor and wrapped his hands around his knees.  He sobbed “Bones—I killed them all—I-I’m so tired—I never—“ Kirk couldn’t continue. He broke off into wrenching sobs until he was crying so hard he couldn’t breathe. McCoy watched as he simultaneously gasped for breath and gagged as his stomach tried to bring up the little food he had eaten.

When he had caught his breath somewhat Kirk said quietly “I n-never wanted anybody to die.-- I’m drunk-- I feel sick--I hurt all over – and  everyday—everyday it gets worse.”

McCoy didn’t know what to say.  Kirk hiccupped and said “I-I-I want to b-be done Bones. –I’m t-t-tired of this... I w-w-wake up and their gone and I’m a-alive---I just want them b-b-back.” He stopped speaking and swallowed several times until his hiccups stopped.

Tears and mucus were dripping down his face, but Kirk didn’t seem to care as he whispered “But they’re gone, gone...because I killed them—It’ my fault.” Then he made an agonised sound, closed his eyes and started rocking convulsively back-and-forth.

McCoy didn’t know what to do. He was horrified at what he had heard, and Kirk was far beyond any realm of drunken moroseness, he was broken down. McCoy stared at him as he rocked back-and-forth with his arms wrapped tightly around his knees like he was trying to hold himself together.

McCoy wasn’t good with feelings and comforting people. Hell, he was barely able to console Joanna when she skinned a knee, but he couldn’t leave Kirk sitting drunk and alone on the sofa sobbing like he had lost everyone he loved and in a way McCoy realized that was somewhat true. McCoy reached out and awkwardly touched Kirk on the arm. The younger man didn’t give any indication he had even felt the contact.  McCoy tried calling his friend’s name and Kirk didn’t react. Finally, McCoy carefully patted him on the back.

What happened next surprised the doctor. Kirk flinched at the contact then he stiffened and, suddenly he wrapped his arms around McCoy. He hugged the doctor tightly and mumbled through a wall of tears. “I’m sorry Bones.—I’m sorry for yelling and cursing at you and fighting you—and—and you were right ,I was going to use that bottle on you the other night—I’m just sorry for everything—I wish I could tell them how sorry I am...”

Any further attempts at apologizing were lost in sobs that made speech impossible. Kirk clung onto McCoy all the more tightly. McCoy thought about prying Kirk off him. Indeed he tried.

“Jim, come on let go.” McCoy muttered as he tried to loosen Kirk’s grip. But Kirk didn’t move he continued crying.   The situation was incredibly awkward and embarrassing and Kirk was soaking his shirt with tears.  McCoy finally gave up trying to remove him; it seemed like an incredibly cruel thing to do. 

McCoy waited until Kirk had quieted a bit then said “Jim, you don’t have to be sorry. Not for how you treated me and you don’t have to be sorry for what happened on Tarsus IV. You didn’t kill those kids.”

“I didn’t?  I did. I killed all —“ Kirk started to say.

“You didn’t.”  McCoy said firmly. “You can’t take everything on yourself. You being their helped all of you stay alive longer than they would have if you weren’t there. You weren’t responsible for their deaths you were responsible for giving them more life.”

McCoy saw that Kirk was listening, but wasn’t entirely reassured. He continued “You did your best and it is not and will never be your fault they died. And I don’t ever want to hear you spouting some bullsh—about how it was.”

Kirk didn’t speak.

McCoy stared at him and said firmly. “Understand?”

Kirk hesitated then nodded. McCoy felt his body relax, even though he was crying harder than ever now. McCoy awkwardly patted his friend’s back and irritably felt his own shirt grow more and more soaked with tears and snot. Finally Kirk’s sobs quieted and he fell asleep. McCoy carefully dislodged him and stood up. He stared down at Kirk. Kirk’s face was red and splotchy with the remnants of tears, but he looked more peaceful.

McCoy glanced away from him and stared down at the front of his shirt with disgust. It was damp and sticky with mucus and tears.   _Jim owed him big for this._ McCoy took it off and grabbed somebody’s spare from a rec room cabinet. The replacement was slightly too big and it was dirty, but it would do. McCoy came back and covered Kirk with a blanket. At the moment he was sleeping peacefully. McCoy hoped his sleep wouldn’t be disturbed by nightmares. He hoped that after tonight Kirk would finally began to get better.

He hoped that finally telling somebody would help him heal. If Kirk remembered the events of the night in the morning McCoy knew the younger man would be extremely embarrassed.  But McCoy had no intention of ever bringing up the night again.

It was a new day.  A day to move forward and not live in the past.

When morning came he’d see if he could contact Pike and get the situation with Relik’s cars straightened out. McCoy would have to make up a lie explaining Kirk’s behaviours over the last few weeks... _He could already think off several mind-altering microbes he could say his friend had been affected with._ _Then he’d have to figure out how to smooth over the paper incident and hopefully Pike would have gotten Kirk’s expellement reversed._

McCoy settled onto another couch in the rec room and grabbed a blanket. He dimmed the lights and rested his head on his arms, watching Kirk sleep. McCoy knew that he himself wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight. He had found out too much to rest. Even thought all he wanted to do was sink into a dreamless oblivion the images conjured by the story he had heard made even rest impossible. But he was glad he knew. He was glad Kirk didn’t have to bear the burden alone. Nobody deserved to bear the burden alone. Nobody could.

McCoy remembered Kirk’s words from earlier. _‘I’m broken you can put the pieces together, but you can’t make me whole again.’_

McCoy knew he may not be able to make Kirk whole again but he sure as hell was going to try....

\---End---

_This episode is dedicated to all the people who had something difficult to share and the people they finally shared it with...._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end.
> 
> I will be releasing some deleted scenes and a rather long alternate ending in a bit. I'll connect them to the story by series so their easy to find. Please feel free to leave feedback, speak now or forever hold your piece ;) I'd love to know what your overall thoughts of the story is!
> 
> Thanks to all who commented, kudoed, and read....Hope you enjoyed...Until next time.


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